What To Do In A No Win Scenario Of Personal Relationships


What do you do...where do you go when you are so often in a no win situation? Every personal relationship has had and will have these moments. What should you do, give up and get out? Should you trudge on and go through? Here are some issues of apparent no impasse with a look at possible to do's.

What if you don't care to engage in a lot of idle "chitchat", or care to talk much at all for that matter, then you are perceived as a "rude" person and others comment that your tacit manner is "bad" behavior. Suppose you don't have a sanguine personality, outgoing and effervescent? You abhor conflict. So, on occasion you do converse and then many times what you say is interpreted in a manner for which you had never intended, consequently someone gets very upset and then tells you, "You should never say anything that someone could interpret as being bad". One of the points you've tried to make is that so often what you convey is seen as bad, evil, or wrong and that your intent and interpretation of something is incorrect because that's not how the other "sees it". You now say, "Duh, is anybody home? If I ‘should never say anything that could be interpreted as being bad', why should I offer conversation at all if my observation or point of analysis is usually wrong?"

You understand that another person often reckons something differently and you can understand how they could arrive at their conclusion. However, apparently you are just plain and unequivocally wrong. Well, why does the other person seemingly always have to be right and you're not? Are you not entitled to an outlook? No, it's not theirs seems to be the tilt. Can you not say something without a value judgment being put on it? Apparently not, every one is entitled to an observation but you. Additionally, why is the other person licensed to have a double standard and what you say is just dreadful? Now here is the real kicker, not more than an hour earlier someone makes the same statement, using the exact words but what you said is unforgivable.

Here's a for instance and let me try to put it from one perspective. If a normal male and female in their twenties engage in sexual intercourse just once, is it not possible, even if they use contraceptives, that the woman can get pregnant? Isn't this one of the points of the "Worth the Wait" curriculum promoted through the Scott and White health care program? Isn't abstinence the only one hundred percent reliable method of not getting pregnant, or am I just dumb and "never understand"? Doesn't the mathematical possibility of pregnancy increase with the number of times a couple enjoys each other in these performances? So, if this couple has been together for over a year and a half, should it be a surprise if the two are blessed (looking for the good here and I'll address this later) with an anticipated birth? Wait a minute, I didn't mention that the couple is not married, but does it matter? Yes, for many people, depending on their religious, economic, and social perspectives, very much so.

If the two are going to have a child, great as far as you're concerned, you're happy for them, you know they will both make wonderful parents, but you're not the mother, you're a male. Okay, back to having said the wrong thing using the exact same words. The mother and daughter are talking on the phone and the mom says "I'm not surprised", referring to the daughter's news of expectancy. A while later the mother and a male (not the natural father of the daughter) are having dinner and conversation. They discuss the evening events and news of the earlier phone call. The male mentions that he is "not surprised" that the girl is with child. Immediately, the mother becomes agitated, defensive and literally accuses the man of calling the daughter a "Slut". This, however, was never his intention, it never crossed his feeble brain, nor would he ever say such a thing.

Suppose you are the male uttering the infamous quote, the exact same words the mother has spoken on the phone, "not surprised", but you extracted them from the concept of the previous paragraph and mathematical probability? Well, no matter what you say in defense of yourself, you are wrong, no two ways about it. Your words didn't come from recently thinking about your daughter and pregnancy, yours wasn't based on premonition. You're not a mother so you don't understand, end of discussion. Any further mention of the topic initiated by you is given a response tantamount to a threat of dissolution of the relationship or divorce, one of those "you don't need to be with me" statements.

Isn't this a double standard: she can not be surprised, but you can't without it becoming a value assessment of a person's character? Definitely a no win scenario.

More of these state of affairs, if you have an opinion or something that you like is not the same as the other person's, then that person promptly explains the errors of your thinking and proceeds to lobby for their notion. With an accumulation of these events, why should you bother to express an opinion when it's just shot down and lobbied against with terms like "you never listen", "you never understand", "I never get to have an opinion", "you twist everything around", "don't you think it should...", and "then, you don't need to be with me". Remember, you don't like conflict, so, what should you do regarding these manipulative responses?

What if in your naive mental abilities you don't believe that it is ever bad to find the good in a situation or a person? Perhaps, you've been "called on the carpet" and convicted and sentenced harshly for doing so in more than a couple of instances, particularly if in doing so you are indicted for defending an ex.

Suppose you stand up for yourself and express your feelings, hurts, and reasoning behind your actions but the logic is not accepted and then you are chastised for making them feel worthless in an attempt to provide you a guilt trip. You are also told this is breaking up your relationship. You get another one of those "then, you don't need to be with me". What do you do?

Your circumstances will certainly be different, yet will be similar in that your experiences may lead you to deem that no matter what you have done, it appears to be the wrong thing.

So, what do you do? It's a valid question. What do you do? You look inside the other person and notice the wonderful, gleaming facets of a flawed gem. You see the tenderness, compassion, the caring that may be hid by other actions. You witness the joyful character, the playfulness, the enthusiasm for life, and passions for nature. You spot the creativity and warm spirit.

What do you do? You try to understand. You try to understand where the other person's perspectives are coming from, what may have influenced their thoughts and actions. You try to understand that perhaps you actually are in error. You try to understand that sometimes in a relationship even if you are correct and they are wrong it's better for their psyche and emotions than yours to let them be right. You also try to understand that it's important to apologize even if you're spot on.

What do you do? You try. You try to make things right. You try to be calm and control your emotions. You try to talk and choose your words carefully, words that are caring and uplifting. You try to work out solutions and come to agreement. You try to acknowledge the other person's feelings, ideas, and individuality. You try to make compromises. You try to look for the good in the situations and learn from them.

What do you do? You accept. You accept apologies without tearing into the person and inventorying their mistakes and faults. You accept that someone can't always read your mind and feelings. You accept that others can't always offer apologies in a manner, time, and wording that you anticipate or desire. You accept that others must also deal with problems and issues in a means that is different than what you would do or expect and its okay for them to do so without holding it against them.

What do you do? You remember. You remember that this is not their usual behavior. You remember that no one wins in an argument. You remember that there is no such thing as a "no win scenario" in a relationship because your relationship is about love and that love is about giving, not getting or winning. You remember that love is patient and kind. You remember that love doesn't seek its own way. You remember that love cares about the welfare of others first and foremost. You remember the blessings you have together and the good moments past. You remember that love is an act of choice. "You don't need to be with me." That is entirely true, you don't "need" to be with that person. You remember that you feel God brought you together and you've made that choice to accept each other, damaged goods and all.

If none of these seems to be an appropriate, amorous option, then out of love it is time to take a look at the quality of life you are bringing to the relationship and mutually decide if it is in the best interest of the other to dissolve or change the nature of the relationship.