I have a friend who walks into a room, sets her sights on the most gorgeous man there and by the end of the evening has his total attention. She'll be the first to admit that her body isn't what it used to be and that she has crow's feet around her eyes, yet even in the presence of younger, prettier women she's the first to get her man.

What's her secret? Is it something she can bottle and sell to the rest of us?

As women, our immediate response when another woman snags the man we had our eye on is to submit our bodies to intense self criticism. ‘I'm too fat, my legs are too short, my hips are too squishy, my bum's too big, my eyes are too small...' the list goes on.

Yet - and it will surprise most of us to know this - what is sexy to the average man is less about our physical form and more about how we project it. So much of sex appeal lies not in the eyes of the beholder, but in the attitude of the person who seeks to be appealing. It's not how she looks, but how her inside self comes across.

The Confidence Clincher

My friend says the older she gets the more men she seems to attract. It's definitely got to do with self confidence. ‘I have so much more confidence now than I did 20 years ago and because I like myself, and my life is full and happy. I suppose I must exude a contentment that's sexy,' she says.

But she does also make an effort. ‘I take the time to look good - in a warm, glowy way rather than too much made-up. I find that too much make-up or the perfect hairdo is intimidating to most men. I also dress in a way that emphasis my good bits; the parts of my body I like because that gives me added confidence,' She says.

If you're unhappy with who you are and what your body looks like, chances are you'll slink into that room with drooping shoulders, eyes downcast and remain unnoticed for the rest of the evening. Women become self conscious not only about the size and shape of their bodies, but also about the appearance of specific body parts. They fret that their breasts aren't a firm and perfect size 36C, or that their waists exceed the ideal 60cm. Such standards are nearly impossible to attain yet they become ingrained in a woman's psyche, draining her self esteem and sex drive.

Being endlessly preoccupied with weight issues does nothing for desirability as this conveys anxiousness about oneself that can be off putting. Similarly, resorting to plastic surgery to eliminate signs of ageing is unlikely to bring long term happiness. While a smooth face and liposuction thighs might illicit immediate interest from that hypothetical man in the room, the insecurity about age that the plastic surgery is masking will eventually surface, revealing an anxiousness that is unattractive and possibly a neediness that will have a commitment-phobic man running for his life.

Self confidence is the number one ingredient in successful seduction - no matter what your age or stage in life.

Loving your Body

For a woman, feeling sexually attractive is an integral part of her self esteem. How a woman feels about her body and her sexuality helps determine how she views herself in general. A precursor to unleashing your sensual self is being able to experience your body in pleasurable, non sexual ways. If you're like most women, you readily focus on those things that are ‘flawed' or that don't feel good. You're more likely to be conscious of physical discomfort than physical gratification. But you can change that - by intimately and lovingly exploring your own body and observing with compassion your softness, your firmness, your smoothness, your textures.

Admire your curves. Make an effort to appreciate what you see and feel. Your body is an amazing machine. Respect it, and love it for the ways it serves you. Train yourself to love yourself. Stand in front of a full length mirror and really admire yourself. Everybody has good points. Focus on those.

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