God, You've Got It All Wrong!
In fact, there are so few beautiful people in the world that we had to create a magazine, People, just to keep up with their antics.
By subscribing to this publication, we can keep tabs on their cosmetic surgeries (even beautiful people can be made more beautiful), infidelities and abuse of drugs, alcohol, power, spouses and even steroids.
But why is it that just because somebody has a pretty face or a great body, we have to idolize them?
When the television networks need to break into to their programming just to inform us that Britney Spears has shaved her head, something down here is wrong.
Lord, please make everybody beautiful. In that way we can start paying attention to those who are truly making a difference in your wonderful world.
2) People of color - There is a lot of prejudice down here, Lord. And the problem isn't that you made people of a different color, you just didn't make enough of them, either.
So here's what you do: Make everybody a different color. All the colors of your glorious rainbow. Since we'd all be different, we'd have to get along.
3) Shaving - Every day we have this tug-of-war. You put hair on my face; I have to take it off. You make it grow back on it again.
Here's the solution: Just move the hair from the bottom of my head to the top of my head. You'll get no arguments from me there.
4) Sight - In second grade, Lord, I had to get glasses. That was an early mid-life crisis for me. I thought to myself, now it's the beginning of the end.
See, on my LCD projector, they have this little knob. When the image looks like how I see without my glasses, I can simply move the knob until the image comes in sharp focus.
All I'm asking for is a little knob like that for my eyes. If you need it, I can give you the 800 number for the customer service department at Epson projectors.
5) Athletic ability - You really bypassed me completely on this one, Lord. You know those people for whom you gave the ability to throw those 96 mile-an-hour fastballs? Many of them can't make a three-word sentence, but down here they make $46 million a year.
God, if you gave everybody the ability to run as fast as a speeding locomotive and leap tall buildings in a single bound, then we could pay our money and attention to those people who are truly benefiting us. Like a paramedic in Kansas City or an inner-city schoolteacher with a vision for her students in Philadelphia.
6) Food - We just don't have time any more to eat, Lord. We have fast food, but we need faster food. See, we went from dial-up to broadband, and now even that's too slow for us.
So here's what we do: We take a multivitamin that we can mix with water and then poof! we've met all of our minimum nutritional needs by swallowing just one tablet.
We could eliminate most of the fast-food places overnight, those that are mainly purveyors of flour, sugar and fat anyway.
7) Wrinkles - Let's iron this out. We just don't need them.
8) Sex drive - Okay, Lord, this made a lot of sense when I was in my twenties. But I have my children now and I love and respect my wife for more than her physical attractiveness. I just don't need this popping up at the wrong time anymore, like when I am in church.
Here's my solution: We need an off-and-on switch that is completely under our control. Or, like for food, a pill we can take when the moment is right. Whoops! We've already got one!
Related Tags: viagra, god, fast food, prejudice, wrinkles, people, lord, athletes, beautiful, britney spears, brittany, sight
Ted is a member of the National Speakers Association and the National Speakers Association of Ohio and has earned his MBA in Marketing from the University of Pittsburgh. He is a former professional entertainer, having performed at over 400 events.
He is president of his own speaking and training company, Janus Presentations, LLC, http://www.januspresentations.com His main clients are Rockhurst University Continuing Education Center, Inc., for whom he conducts seminars across the country on Creative Marketing Strategies, Time Mangement and Executive Presentation Skills, and eBay. For eBay he conducts eBay University nationwide, showing attendees how they can set up their businesses on the auction site.
Ted is also the author of Kickback: Confessions of a Mortgage Salesman, one of the best-selling books on mortgages on Amazon.com. The book details Ted's experience as a senior loan officer for a regional mortgage bank and the deceptive practices the bank used to bilk borrowers out of thosands of dollars.
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