"I can't stop thinking about him."

"I want to move on but he is in my mind night and day."

"Maybe he is the one and I should wait until he changes his mind."

"I hate him."

"I love him."

Who of us doesn't relate to this line of thinking?

Why is it so excruciating to move on after a relationship ends?Often there is no immediately apparent rationale for the ending of arelationship but even if there was, the need to detach from a formerlove and to move on with your life is inescapable.

In my case, a whirlwind romance with a highly attractive man causedme to morph into a mindless I-must-have-him machine. I thought abouthim incessantly and while he showed great interest in me atfirst….special emphasis on 'at first', my constant emails and textmessages began to take their toll.

I watched my phone, checked to make sure it was on, cherished themessages he left me, printed the late night Instant Messages,rearranged my life to suit his schedule….I know I don't need to go on!The fiery chemistry that happened in the beginning started to fizzleout after 2 or 3 months. Then, he disappeared. Gone.

The first couple of weeks, I held out hope that he wouldmiss me so desperately that he would call, beg forgiveness and sweep meoff my feet again.

Two more weeks and I was ready to be done with him but I keptwondering what I had done wrong. Wasn't it real? The chemistry wasreal, that's for sure. Miserable, I limped through my days unable tokeep my mind off of him.

By then I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and set out tochange my mindset. The techniques I used have now become a tried andtrue system for saying goodbye to that ghost lover (my term for the manwho left and the dream of what might have developed with him). followthese steps and you will get yourself back into the driver's seat. GoodLuck! I know you can do this!!

Key #1 Face The Facts

Ok, this is no fun, but facing the fact that you are hooked on thisguy is the first and most essential step. Yes, you feel foolish. No,you don't want to give up on him. But how are you feeling? Empowered?Strong? Probably not. Look in the mirror and tell yourself, "I do lovehim. He doesn't want to be with me right now. This really hurts and Ihate it! I want to learn to let him go. I want to think about what Iwant to think about and not about him. I'm worth it." If you tellyourself these facts (you can use mine if you can't think of your own)every day for a week, you will empower yourself for the next steps.

Key #2 Embrace Your Self

That was then and this is now. Face it, you aren't the only woman tohave experienced this heart ache. Be gentle with yourself. You aredoing the best you can. As you look back to the beginnings of thisrelationship, let yourself remember how good it felt. If he wasn't theone, those same good feelings are out there for you with a new guy.Embracing the you that fell for him rather than criticizing yourselffor what you perceive as an error in judgment will build your sense ofself esteem and equip you for the next step.

Key #3 The Him or Better Box

Now is when this gets fun. Each thought that you think about him hasemotional energy attached to it. Some is positive, some is negative.The energy used to think these thoughts uses creative energy you couldbe investing in other parts of your life….your art, your career, yourfriendships, etc.

There is a way to reclaim and reassign this energy and yourimagination is the gateway. We are going to create an imaginary "Him orBetter Box". It is best to name the box specifically, so use the nameof your Ex instead of Him. Close your eyes and imagine a box about thesize of a recipe file. It may show up in color, if not, make it anycolor you please. Allow your imagination to decorate it with anyribbons, jewels or symbols that might appear. If yours is a plain whitebox…that is ok, too. There is no right or wrong. Your goal is to'capture' the thoughts about him and to place them in the box.

The reason we call it a "Mr. Ex or Better Box" is so that if he doescome back, you are banking all of this energy toward reconnecting withhim then. (Use your exes name) After all, he is not in your life rightnow anyway so why waste time and energy thinking about him now. The 'orBetter' just says to the Universe and to you that you are banking onthe new love in your life and that you are stockpiling the emotionalenergy around the thoughts to that potential.

Key #4 Capturing Those Pesky Thoughts.

Learning to capture and control your thoughts serves a dual purpose.One, you have highly tangible evidence that that you can direct yourown thinking. Two, you immediately reclaim the energy for your own lifeand are free to assign it to where you want it to go.

It may seem daunting to control your thoughts about him…believe me Ihave been there! That is why it is good to start slow and practice. Themoment you are aware that you are thinking about him, stop, acknowledgethe thought for a moment, then in your minds eye, place a bubble aroundit and put it into your box.

At first, you may only get three thoughts a day into the box buthang in there. This stuff really works. Remember…it is a Mr. Ex orBetter Box…it begins to feel really good to bank these thoughts forwhat's ahead and you are prepared whether he comes back or not! If thisis difficult for you to imagine, get a real box and some small piecesof paper. Name your box and then write out the thought you are havingand place it in the box. Either way, this technique is guaranteed.

The first week you will be amazed at how many thoughts go into thebox. By the third week, you will notice a difference in the frequencyof the thoughts and also by the change in your mood and perspective.You will be feeling much better at this point and ready for the finalstep.

Key#5 Writing the New Script

Now you are feeling stronger and more in control. You are morebalanced emotionally and have some degree of objectivity. Now, get apiece of paper and write out five to ten things about your previousrelationship that were not working for you on the left side of thepaper, the more ideas you can come up with, the better. For example:

He didn't like to see movies.

He wasn't as affectionate as I wanted.

He didn't call when he said he would.

He hated to dance.

On the right side of the paper, create a list of the attributes ofyour ideal partner based on what it was about the ghost lover thatdisappointed you. For Example:

He didn't like to see movies becomes He loves to see films of all types at least once a week.

He wasn't as affectionate as I wanted becomes He holds my hand where ever we go and hugs me frequently.

He didn't call when he said he would becomes He is very responsible and calls when he says he will.

You get the idea. Now, go back over the list and cross out each ofthe items on the left with gusto. By time you follow through with thefifth key, you are well on your way to leaving your former love behind.Yes, you will still think of him occasionally and yes it will stillhurt. However, reviewing these lists will confirm to you the benefit ofmoving on.

As your thoughts about him get less and less frequent you will notonly feel better, you will be amazed at how much energy you have toinvest in the rest of your life. You will get more done and experiencemore joy than you have in months.

Wouldn't it be nice if you would then meet Mr. Right and never haveto detach again? Ha! As you continue to enter into future casual andintimate relationships, there will always be challenges to keeping yourthoughts under control but…and this is a big but (bigger than him!)each time you go through these 5 Keys, it will get easier and easierfor you to see clearly what it is you do and don't want in a partner.

No one knows what is best for you than you do. Learning to hear fromand trust your own intuition will light the way for your future.

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