Existing Bar Joke #1

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says, "Who told you that drinking is bad?" Nun: Mother Superior told me. Man: So, have you ever tried it? Nun: No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor. Man: Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what; if you try it and don't like it I'll give up drinking for life. Nun: Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking. The man goes up to the bartender and says, "Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup." The bartender looked at the man and said, "Is that nun in here again?"

New Bar Joke #1

A nun is bored stiff and she starts drinking the sacramental wine. The priest, who had noticed that wine was disappearing, was getting ready for mass one day when there was no wine at all. He said to the nun, "Those alter boys have been in the wine again. This has to stop. I will put them up for public display during mass. Run out and get some wine!" The nun went out for the wine and as she hustled along the street she said I've got the boys in trouble. I prey Lord, what should I do? A voice said The boys are young and they can take the heat. It was a woman's voice and the nun was confused. Could the Lord speak like a woman, a woman who seemed out of breath? In the liquor store. when she went to pay for the wine. she realized that she had brought no money. She again heard an out-of-breath woman's voice say The Lord will provide. She took the wine without paying and hurried back to the church getting there just in time for the sacrament service. Before she could tell the priest about the woman's voice, the priest whispered to her, "You left without the money. I guess Mother Superior caught up to you."

Existing Bar Joke #2

A shabby drunk asks a priest outside a bar, "What causes arthritis?" The priest hastily answers, "Too much drinking, too many women, and hanging out in bars." Realizing that he might have humiliated the man, he said, "I'm sorry. I hope you didn't take what I said personally." The drunk said, "Not at all. I was referring to the news I saw on the TV in the window of the television store. The pope has arthritis."

New Bar Joke #2

A priest sees a shabbily dressed vagrant limping down the street. He goes up to him and says, "Can I help you?" The old man says, "I've had to get along on my own since the Korean War, dodging bullets, and diving into roadside ditches." The priest said, "Did you get any medals?" The mans said, "I've got a metal plate in my head." The priest took the man to a refuge and told the manager to take good care of the man because he was a Korean War hero. The manager said, "I know this man and his stories. He stays here every night. The only bullets he ever dodged are the ones from Interstate 5 where he gathers aluminum cans to sell to the recycling center."

Existing Bar Joke #3

A bar has a daily visitor born in Ireland. He always has three drinks then leaves. He says that he drinks for himself and his two brothers in Ireland. One day he comes in and has only two drinks. The bartender, thinking a brother had died, asks him why only two drinks and he says, "I gave up drinking."

New Bar Joke #3

An Irishman and a Scotsman are lost in the Sahara. The Irishman says, "I think I can see a bar." The Scotsman says, "We've got plenty of water so don't go running off to a mirage." A while later the Irishman comes staggering back plastered to the gills. The Scotsman said, "My God! You did find a bar." The Irishman said, "No, you were right. It was just a mirage, but I drank anyway."

Existing Bar Joke #4

A man comes into a bar with a dog and the bartender says, "Get that mutt out of here!" The man says, "This is my seeing-eye dog and he can go into public places. The bartender agrees. A second man comes into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first man whispers to him, "You will have to say that is your seeing-eye dog." The second man does so and the bartender says, " A Chihuahua is NOT a seeing-eye dog!" The second man says, "What! They gave me a damned Chihuahua!"

New Bar Joke #4

A man brings a dog and a cat into a bar and orders milk for the cat and red wine for the dog. The bartender says, "We don't serve animals. Get those critters out of here." The man says, "I'll give you a dollar if you will just bring the wine and the milk." The bartender says, "Okay, but then you got to get out." The man gives the milk to the dog and the cat helps the dog lap it up. The man drinks the wine and starts to lleave the bar. The bartender says, "Wait! You owe me $7.50." The man says, "What do you mean. You agreed to one dollar."

Existing Bar Joke #5

A man says to the bartender, "Want to see something different?" The bartender says "yes" and the man takes a small piano out of his pocket, then a mouse who plays the piano. Then he takes a frog out of his pocket. The mouse plays the piano and the frog sings. A patron of the bar says he wants to buy the frog. He offers more and more money until the first man finally sells the frog for $500,000.00. When the buyer left the bar with his new frog the bartender says, "You could have got a million for a frog like that. The man said, "Nah! The mouse is the ventriloquist."

New Bar Joke #5

A man goes into a bar and has a drink. When he starts to leave without paying, the mans says, "Can anyone give me change for a $1000.00 bill?" Everybody look at him as if he were crazy but one old man dressed in a Brooks Brothers suit says, "I can give it to you." The man pays the bartender and walks out of the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, that guy never gave you the $1000 bill and he walked out of here with all that money." The old man said, "Don't worry about it. I work at the bank and I could see the guy is a forger. The $1000.00 bill was a phony." The bartender said, "What about the money-" The old man ran out of the bar yelling, "POLICE!"

Okay, it's your turn to write some jokes!

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copyright©2007 John Taylor Jones, Ph.D.