Big Hitters to Avoid in Your Relationship (1)


by Elaine Sihera - Date: 2007-04-02 - Word Count: 626 Share This!

A. Self-Centredness. This is an easy road to travel, especially when we want our own way. Letting one's self-interest take priority in an unbalanced way can be poisonous to a partnership. The other person usually ends up feeling deprived, resentful and unimportant. Furthermore, the more self-involved you are, the more you tend to take your relationship for granted, the less you appreciate your partner and the more alone you actually feel. Wherever there is selfishness and being self-absorbed, there will be very unhappy people. If your relationship is slanted in this way, you also lose out, because you experience less of the joy that a true connection can bring. Couples are guaranteed to get more from their relationship through reciprocity than from focusing on themselves.

B. Attacking and scapegoating. Aggressive communication is unacceptable, especially if the abuse is getting physical. Physical or sexual abuse break all bonds in a marriage, and should prompt a permanent separation. The abusive partner needs to get professional help to learn skills in anger management, in order to gain (and consistently demonstrate) better control over his/her emotions and behaviour. Even if the help is sought and progress is made, the risk of recurrence remains high. So, in most cases, the abused partner should not return to the relationship. Returning serves to reinforce the abusive behaviour, leading to increased severity and frequency. As someone once said, physical abuse is like opening a Pandora's box. Once opened, it's difficult to close.

Ask for Help
Verbally blaming, accusing and insulting your partner are less extreme forms of destructiveness, but they are not acceptable either. Assertiveness training can provide the essential skills for healthy communication. As to taking out your anger or frustration on you partner, that is cowardly. Being held responsible for things that are out of our control is the most stressful of conditions, because we cannot help the situation and we all have our own problems too. Rather than hurt the ones you love, you should do what it takes to face the real problem and deal with it as effectively as you can. If you are unsure of how to address a problem, the mature thing to do is to ask for help and support from trusted sources (i.e. a friend, relative, or counsellor). When we look to others to relieve our frustrations by holding them responsible for our unhappiness, we carry around the same baggage to every relationship and end up getting the same results every time.

C. Neglect. This includes workaholism, addictions or ignoring partners. A primary function of a relationship is to provide companionship and to meet each other's needs. When other activities, interests or preoccupations interfere with our availability, partners end up being short-changed. This can be thought of as domestic absenteeism. Taking an inventory and making adjustments in how we spend our time are the first steps in remedying this problem. Treat your partner as the important person he/she is by spending enough quality time together to satisfy both requirements and maintain your connection.

In the latter years of our marriage, my ex-husband used to lie in bed until the afternoon each Saturday and Sunday, the prime time for us to be together. Once he got up, he was impatient to do his chores until the rest of the day, totally ignoring my needs. As I would normally be up much earlier, I tended to spend many hours on my own each weekend without him seeming to care what I did in that time. Yet, once he got up, if I were busy with my computer work or paid him little attention, he then regarded that as selfish and uncaring. He never acknowledged the effects of his consistent neglect of our available time together to be somewhat selfish and uncaring.


Related Tags: relationship, domestic, stressful, abusive, neglect, resentful, self centredness, scapegoating

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - http://www.myspace.com/elaineone and http://www.elainesihera.co.uk) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a consultant for Diversity Management, Personal Empowerment and Relationships. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"

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