Confidence Killer (3)- Weak Principles


by Elaine Sihera - Date: 2007-03-03 - Word Count: 745 Share This!

Arlene was 19 and did not drink. She hated it but she also wanted to be part of a group who enjoyed their drinks and were frequently out pub-crawling. Often she would decline to go out because she preferred to talk or dance, instead of 'worshipping the bottle', as she saw it. But as she was often left on her own, she felt uneasy about it. Then came Danny, a heavy drinker and a popular new member of the group. She hated when he was drunk but he made her feel great when he wasn't. Wanting to be with him, she accepted an invitation to join them drinking but felt awful afterwards.

By the next week she had recovered enough to do it again, after much guilt feelings about going against her principles. She also blamed Danny for plying her with too much drink the second time and for being 'silly'. Danny thought she was being rather immature and this made her feel even more sheepish and guilty. It did nothing for her appeal either, neither did it boost her confidence. Having abandoned her own strong principles regarding drinking, this limited her actions and forced her to go along with the crowd, even though she hardly enjoyed it and felt it was wrong. Yet it didn't make her any more acceptable to the group or bring her any closer to the man she cared about, because Danny went off with someone else 'who didn't have such hang-ups' about drinking.

Having weak and inconsistent values or principles can be deadly because it relates to our basic psyche - what we actually believe and use to guide our actions. If we believe in doing something a certain way and have convinced ourself that it is the right way to act, then to change it purely to please someone else is asking for trouble. We would have changed on the outside, but as we still have that original value lurking around, there will be immediate conflict between accommodating the new behaviour and justifying it against what we feel is right.

The Urgent Need to Belong
Arlene did not have to drink alcohol but it meant a great deal to her to be one of the pack, which explains why we often go against our principles, for approval. That sense of belonging again! We want to belong so much, whether to a church group, drama group, society, a select clique like Phi Beta Kappa, or to share another's friendship, we would sometimes do anything. No matter what, it is at these times that personal beliefs come under scrutiny and make us feel uncomfortable; especially if they do not conform to the beliefs and actions of the important ones around us and those whom we are trying to impress.

When we go along with the crowd for the sake of it, our behaviour becomes superficial and we cease to take responsibility for our actions. We then break the promises we make to ourselves and go along with something inherently wrong for the sake of it. But we then set up a cycle of self-guilt, remorse, unhappiness, loss of confidence, loss of esteem and more guilt. We cannot convince ourself we've done the right thing because, subconsciously, by our standards, we know we haven't. Like people of minority cultures who immediately abandon what they have practised and believed in for the 'better' looking majority culture. They tend to live in a kind of no man's land for ages before coming to terms with their identity because they had been too quick to abandon their own traditions without putting anything of substance in its place.

We really have to decide what is right for us and stick with it, regardless. There is no harm in compromising, but not for short term gain. Change should also mean sharing for mutual benefit, not just seeking the approval of others so that we have nothing left for us. Reluctantly going against our own values to please other people merely damages our confidence without giving us anything valuable in return. When we deny our roots, culture, principles and beliefs for expediency - anything that has helped to mould our character or way of life - without having anything equally worthwhile or convincing with which to replace it, we damage our credibility and esteem and leave ourselves open to rejection and ridicule. In effect, we become just a caricature of what we hope to be, while finding it difficult to convince others of our sincerity.


Related Tags: friendship, identity, self-esteem, principles, approval, confidence, character, belonging, abandon

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - http://www.myspace.com/elaineone and http://www.elainesihera.co.uk) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a consultant for Diversity Management, Personal Empowerment and Relationships. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"

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