12 Things Your Relationship Should Have to Succeed (2)
7. Acceptance: Are you living your life constantly trying to please someone else, wearing only what they suggest, dressing only to please them, seeking their approval daily? Then you are not being accepted for who you are in your relationship. One main offshoot of that is you are likely to constantly feel inadequate and not being able to do anything right. You will feel controlled and impotent to do things or behave in a way which reflect your desires and what you want to do. Worst of all, your growth will be retarded because you need someone else's permission for doing the basic things which give you joy. For example, if you like wearing bright colours but are living with someone who hates bright colours, then you made the wrong choice because your personality will always feel repressed. Anyone who wants you must like you, warts and all. Otherwise there will be little of the next attribute: respect.
8. Respect: This is a key value but the reason why it is in the second group is because one cannot be certain there is proper respect until some time has elapsed because anyone will do anything to please in the first few days or weeks. The real person gradually reveals themself over many weeks or months. However, respect is assumed if the top 6 are in place, unless they're not, which suggests very little respect. Hidden within the value of respect is courtesy and sensitivity. I loathe discourteous behaviour in others simply because I learnt from a young age that "Courtesy costs nothing. Give generously." Often it is not the actual things we say or do which really upsets someone, but the discourteous and insensitive manner in which they are done.
When a relationship is on the rocks, respect is one of the first casualties to go. It is difficult to respect partners when we feel resentful towards them or we are frustrated and hurt by their behaviour. For some people, respect will be right at the top, but my reasoning for putting it much lower is that someone can respect me highly but, if none of the top values are present, no amount of respect will let me love them. That is why many potential love affairs stay on a friendship level because the bottom group of values might be present between two people, but without the top ones there to bolster them and move them into the 'love' territory.
9. Being Tactile: This is another beautiful word many people love to use without quite knowing what it means. But if you have never used it before it is perfect for describing the tangible and external elements of being in love. To be tactile means you love to hold someone, to hug them, to draw them close, to be emotionally expressive with them, no matter where you are at that moment in time. You find it hard to keep your hands to yourself with your partner - a wonderful expression of love. Some people don't like too much touching but I wouldn't go near anyone who doesn't want to hold or hug because I am a natural hugger. I love to be embraced and also like people who are romantic. When we make the extra effort to show people we care about them, they are likely to make the effort to return that compliment.
10 Generosity: This value is not just associated with money. Generosity involves giving of the self, whatever we have, including our love and feelings, to another. People who are mean with things tend to be mean with themself and their emotions too, what I call the 'emotionally constipated types'. There is no place for selfishness in a relationship. People come together to share, not to remain the same way as when they were single. If that is the case why bother with a relationship at all? That's just using the other person. A desire to share and be supportive is at the heart of generosity. If your loved one won't support your dreams, aspirations or achievements, that is not a foundation for any long-term relationship. Soon resentment will creep in and erode all the love.
11. Encouragement: Do you feel encouraged by your partner? Often jealousy and insecurity prevent us from supporting and encouraging our spouses. Yet, any partnership should lay the foundation for a mutual journey together where the couple can achieve far more than they would have done as single people. When we choose not to support our partners, what are we actually saying about ourselves and our feelings of worth? Again, if we expect encouragement but give none, what message are we giving to our lovers about their own growth and fulfilment? Perhaps encouragement matters to you so much, it would be in your top 6. That is fine. However, if it is essential to you, then teaming up with someone who is mean with praise or encouragement will be like a nightmare for you because you will always feel unappreciated and undervalued, one of the biggest causes of unhappiness in relationships.
12. Non-Controlling: I tend to attract controllers, for some reason, so all the key men in my life have scored highly on controlling behaviour. There is always some control when one party is passive, or is seeking approval, but too much control tends to spill over into restrictiveness, repression and ultimately violence. The more flexible and relaxed a partner is, the lesser the desire to control which makes for greater equality and respect between the couple. One test for the level of control in a relationship is this question: How do you feel if your partner talks about his/her former lovers/partners? If you feel at all jealous, when they are in the past and are a crucial part of your lover's history, that is a form of insecurity and control. As long as you are not being compared unfavourably, that's fine.
Every person we have ever had in our life, for whatever reason, has taught us something and helped to make us what we are. To then deny their presence in our life, or deliberately ignore their part of our journey, merely to please someone else is not very good to the health of a relationship, because it is tied up with Acceptance and Respect. We cannot accept someone or respect them, if we want them to reject the people they know or pretend they did not exist. So long as they are not still rivals, people should be encouraged to celebrate their past, to be proud of it, to learn from it and move on, not to be made to feel guilty or ashamed of it. That only erodes personal confidence and self-esteem. Worse still it is a denial of that person's existence into what we would like it to be.
Your score out of 120 is a pointer to the current state of your relationship, especially what is missing from it. Anything over 90 points is very good. Under 90 and you are in shaky ground and need to take remedial action. Under 50 points, and if you are not heading for the divorce courts already, sad to say, it could just be a matter of time because too many things you both care about would be missing. The most fascinating exercise is to do the rating separately, according to your individual perceptions, and then exchange notes afterwards. I guarantee that, if things are not too wonderful in the relationship, you will both need a referee!!
Related Tags: support, respect, expression, acceptance, encouragement, generosity, hugs, tactile, non-controlling
ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah -http://www.ecademy.com/user/elainesihera and http://www.myspace.com/elaineone) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a Personal Empowerment, Relationships and Diversity Consultant. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"
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