Unncoupled, What Next? How Can Divorced And Widowed People Move On From Stinking Thinking

by Patricia Hubbard - Date: 2007-03-07 - Word Count: 808 Share This!

Being single, or single again, can be a time of loneliness, apprehension or even desperation, if that is what one chooses. On the other hand, widowed, divorced or separated persons can spend this time of being alone as a time of introspection and renewal.

Resentment, anger, a feeling of rejection and lowered self-worth are the downside of being alone. However, choosing to look on singleness as a new opportunity to begin again is a healthy choice. A changed attitude can put an end to the loneliness. Walking away from the longing for what used to be and the pain of past mistakes is a positive decision. Grandmas, "Don't cry over spilt milk!" suddenly takes on new wisdom.

Terry -Cole Whittaker, author of: WHAT YOU THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS says, "Before we can ever be loved, respected, supported, and adored by another, we must be loving, respectful and supportive of ourselves."

She goes on, "The secret of life is that you must unconditionally love and accept yourself as a capable and magnificent being who willingly accepts the abundance of God's gifts in all areas of your life."

It is not a simple task to come to know oneself.

How do we begin to accept ourselves as lovable, worthwhile beings when the other half of us has died or left us? never, as long as we look upon ourselves as incomplete, alone. Rather, we must recognize that we are a child of God, His possession, and His creation. We are the canvas painted by the Hand of God. How can we not be a thing of beauty and value? God does not create junk! It is our attitude that erodes the work of art that God calls You and Me.

Recognizing, not just the face in the mirror, but the soul of who we really are, is the work of life. The times that we are alone, should be a time to redefine who and what we are alone, and is a step in healing that must be taken before deciding to become the other half of a twosome. A good self-image is essential.

The truth is, we are in control of our brain activity, believe it or not. Our "computer" does not input on its own. Its ability is only to record that which we feed it. Most of our lack of self-esteem is our own doing. (Wow, I'll bet you liked that one, I can feel the brickbats, now.)

When we find negative thoughts outweighing the positive, we must backspace and start again. Do we retrain "our computer" or do we just need an attitude adjustment, or both?

What can we do to move on?

First, we must recognize that a brain does not work independently. The thoughts that run through our brain are our doing, the good the bad and in-between.On average, we think 50,000 thoughts in a 24-hour time period. Make a list of all of the thoughts you can remember in a 15-minute time span and amaze yourself. Bet you couldn't keep up with your brain Were you telling yourself statements like: "I can't do that, I'll fail," "I wish I were pretty," "Look at that pimple, disgusting," "I need to lose weight," "I hate my hair!" "I can't get my gut into my trousers anymore," "The Boss is watching me, got to look busy." "Wonder if he liked my report, probably not!"

How do you feel now? Have you become a believer of the power of your thoughts? Making changes, a constructive move

Aside from changing the constant self-battering of our thoughts, we must take constructive steps to find something good about ourselves and bravely accept our failings. We should aim to meet new friends who will affirm us and be congenial company when we need affirmation. Learning to be more approachable will facilitate new friendships. Smile more.Outside of our job responsibilities, it is wise to volunteer for projects that merit our interest. Helping others, leads to building self-esteem and brings our hidden talents to our attention. We will meet new and interesting people who possibly have the same interests and values.Going to public functions like museums, car shows, watching or participating in a beachfront volleyball game, and other activities, gives us a new perspective on our relationship with humanity. We may discover we want to paint or draw or maybe join a softball team.Feeling the caress of nature, while taking a walk or a bike ride through a wildlife preserve, restores our connectedness with the universe. Again, new acquaintances can cause our life to feel more fullExpecting someone else to make us whole and happy will only lead to disappointment. When and if that special someone appears on the horizon, we want to be ready to present an aware, confident and independent self, fully identified as a whole person. But, enjoying our own company is a number one priority.

Related Tags: god, alone, divorced, widowed, self-esteem singleness

For more tips and tools to on how to survive divorce and loss and make healthy relationship choices you are invited to visit Butterflyintonewlife.com Patricia Hubbard has Facilitated a Support Group for Separated, Divorced and Widowed people for the past 11 years. She has been the writer/ producer of "SINGLES PERSPECTIVES" a newsletter for Single Friends in Christ, a social group for Singles in Virginia Beach. Besides her writing, coaching separated, divorced and widowed persons occupies most of her time.

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