Current Affairs, John McCain Suspends The United States of America


by DAVID LOVATTSMITH - Date: 2008-09-27 - Word Count: 357 Share This!

Toad Suck, Arkansas, Saturday 27 September

Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain announced Saturday that he was suspending the United States of America because of the imminent threat of invasion by Canada.

He invited Barack Obama, minus bulletproof vest to fly immediately to Ottawa waving a white flag and a sign saying, "Shoot Me, But Please Spare John, Sarah and Karl Rove Need Him."

Stephen Harper, the Prime Minister of Canada, famous for his real hair cunningly coiffed to look like a toupée, ordered the immediate deployment of Boy Scouts and Beavers to the US-Canadian border to spearhead the invasion.

They will be armed with Poutine, a lethal concoction manufactured in Quebec from cheese, French fries and gunk. Deadlier than a landmine, or a Sarah Palin interview on prime time. Canada's economy took an upturn recently following massive shipments of the stuff to North Korea.

The crisis unfolded following derogatory remarks on prime time by John McCain's mother, Sarah Palin, that Canada was, quote, "a foreign country", comparing it to Russia and to Vladimir Putin, who is the Prime Minister of Russia when he's not overlying Alaska airspace on the way to his Dacha in the Cayman Islands, shooting wolves from his plane along the way. It should be noted here that "Putin" is the Russian equivalent of Quebec's "Poutine" except that it is laced with Stolichnaya vodka.

Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, in the meantime, is hunkered down in Toad Suck, Arkansas, studying toad culture. This is because the other day, while strolling with Karl Rove in Big Beaver Lick, Kentucky, discussing torture schedules for David Letterman in Guantamano, he happened upon a toad. The toad said, "Please mister, kiss me and I'll turn into Sarah Palin." McCain picked the toad up and put it in his pocket along with the chewing gum he can't chew when he's doing something else. Karl Rove said, "John, you not going to kiss the damn toad?" And McCain said, "No. I can get more political leverage from a talking toad than I can from Sarah Palin."

And the polar bears swim on, from one oil drilling platform to another.


Related Tags: obama, mccain, putin, palin

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