Self-confidence is a mental attitude, which allows individuals to have definite, yet realistic views of themselves and their status. Self-confident people depend on their own capability, have a general sense of control over their lives, and have confidence that, within reason, they will be able to do what they want to do.

Self-confidence is a feeling that is garnered through experiences. When a person experiences success, that person will tend to expect to be successful. And that expectation will cause a feeling of confidence.

For example: A young man wants to be a boxer, so he gets a manager and a trainer. His manager will not put him into the ring until he has built up enough stamina and skill. And even then, the manager will only put him up against an opponent that he knows his fighter can crush. When his fighter beats the opponent, he is successful, and starts to gain faith in his fighting skills.

With each match, the manager puts his warrior up against an opponent who is a slightly better opponent then the last, but not good enough to beat his man. By the end of the third fight, the young prizefighter begins to expect to win his fourth, and so his confidence continues to accrue. This series of events continues to repeat itself. And as long as the prizefighter is victorious, his expectations of success, and his feelings of self-confidence will continue to accrue.

If a person who has a long history of success and feelings of self-confidence does fail, they still tend to expect success the next time out. Conversely, when a person who is weak in the self-confidence department fails, they tend to lose confidence, and begin to expect failure, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Having true self-confidence doesn't mean that individuals will be able to do everything. Usually people who have self-confidence have common sense expectations. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves.

People who are not self-confident, tend to rely excessively on the recognition of others in order to feel good about themselves. They tend to avoid taking risks because they fear failure. They often belittle themselves and tend to discount or ignore compliments that they do receive.

On the other side of the coin, secure people will risk the disapproval of other people because they generally believe in their own competence. Just because a person does not have confidence, it does not mean that he/she doesn't have abilities. A lack of self-esteem is often the result of concentrating totally on the unrealistic expectations of others, especially friends and parents. The influence of friends can be more powerful than those of parents in shaping the feelings about one's self.

Assumptions That Continue to Influence Self-Confidence

In response to external influences, people develop beliefs; some of these are good, and some are bad. Several assumptions that can interfere with self-confidence and better ways of thinking are:

ASSUMPTION: I must always be successful at every challenge that I undertake. This is totally unrealistic. In life, each person has their strengths, and their weaknesses. While it's important to learn to do the best that one can, it's more important to learn to accept the self as being human, and fallible. Feel good about what you are good at, and accept the fact that no person knows everything nor are they an expert at everything.

ASSUMPTION: I must be perfect, and loved by everyone, and satisfy everyone. Again, this is totally unrealistic. All human beings are less than perfect. It's better to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.

ASSUMPTION: Everything that happened to me in the past remains in control of my feelings and behaviors in the present.

ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially controlled by external influences when you were a very young child, as you grow older, you can gain insight and a new slant on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don't have to be helpless because of your past.

HERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING CONFIDENCE

Emphasize Your Strengths. Grant yourself credit for everything you can do. And grant yourself credit for every new experience that you are willing to test.

Take risks. Adopt the point of view of: I never fail, because there are NO failures. However, sometimes I find out what does not work, and once I've learned what doesn't work in a given situation, I can try some other action.

Use Self-Talk: Talk to yourself in positive terms to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to stop. Substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting perfection, remind yourself that no one can do everything perfectly, and that it's only possible to do things to the best of your ability. This allows you to accept yourself while still improving.

Make mental movies: Visualize yourself in the various scenarios that you currently lack confidence in. But see yourself behaving as a person who has tremendous self-confidence would. There are many powerful NLP and self-hypnosis processes that are effective and will build a huge amount of confidence from within your subconscious mind. There are even NLP techniques that will let you take confidence that you do have in areas of your life, and then transplant that confidence to areas of your life that are lacking confidence!

Self-Evaluate: Learn to appraise yourself as an individual. refrain from the continuous sense of chaos that comes from relying on other people's opinion.