No Advanced Credit
We made contract with our son, Bill, when we bought him a truck. It said he would keep grades at C's and have no more behavior problems. The second week of school, he was suspended for telling the bus driver to shut up and flipping him off. We have the truck for sale. This was stated plainly in contract.
Are we doing the right thing?
RESPONSE:
The deal you made with your son goes something like this:
"We'll give you a truck in exchange for (1) grades no lower than a 'C' and (2) no more behavior problems."
With unconventional, strong-willed kids, "advanced credit" is the kiss of failure.
For example, son says, "Mom, can I go over to my friend's house to play basketball."
Mom says, "No, not until you get your homework done."
Son says, "I'll do it when I get back ...I promise. I've gotta play basketball."
Mom says, "O.K., but you make sure you're home in one hour and get started on that homework."
Son says, "Alright!" ...and he takes off out the door, fully intending to do his homework when he returns home.
You know the rest of the story. Does the homework get done?
No ...of course not.
Unconventional kids are not into "compromising" or "making deals" with parents -- they simply want to "have it their way." You will NEVER get your son to work for what you want, but you WILL get him to work for what he wants.
You cannot control your son, but you can control the things he enjoys such as telephones, television, toys, games, freedom for activities, junk food, toiletries, favorite cloths, bedroom doors, bedroom furniture, etc. While he may not be willing to work for the things you want, he will usually work for the things he wants. By controlling the things he wants, you can motivate him to change unwanted behaviors.
Here's what I recommend:
I know it was stipulated in the contract, but don't sell the truck!
In dealing with strong-willed, out of control teens, fostering the development of "self-reliance" in your child is key. This is a golden opportunity for your son to EARN that truck and develop some self-reliance. Here's how:
He earns his own money and pays for all or half of the truck -- you decide. He can earn money from doing chores at home, as well as his place of employment (if he's old enough to drive, he's old enough to be working somewhere).
When he reaches the dollar amount that you have agreed to (no contract, simply tell him what the expectation is), he can possess the truck -- and not a minute earlier. If there's no way he can afford to pay at least half, then trade the truck in for a cheaper vehicle and proceed as described. Remember: No Advanced Credit!
Tip: When a parent gives a child a vehicle, he pretty much has it destroyed in about 6 months. When a child pays for all or half of his vehicle, he washes and waxes the thing every weekend.
Related Tags: adhd, adhd child, adhd teen, odd, oppositional defiant disorder, odd child, odd teen, defiant child
Mark Huttenlocker, M.A., is a family therapist who works with teens and pre-teens experiencing emotional/behavioral problems associated with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Autism, etc. He works with these children and their parents - in their homes. You may visit his website here: http://www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support
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