Sexuality, Flirting Faux Pas


by SANDRA PRIOR - Date: 2009-05-08 - Word Count: 1419 Share This!

Chin in your Palm, one Elbow on the Table

Not good: The message you're sending when doing this: I'm so bored/tired, I haven't got the energy to hold my head up. It's also a pose we assume when objectively summing someone up since it discourages any physical contact. (You try touching or hugging a friend with one hand stuck under their chin - it feels weird.) Assume this pose after a friend's just told you devastating news and they're likely to be horribly offended (and quite rightly so). If you're not completely confident of your looks, you'll also have a tendency to sit like this. People who like their faces move them around, letting people admire them from all angles (lots of women hold their hair back off their face, to let men have a good look). By looking out from behind your hand, you're hiding most of your face from view. Not a good move. Not even if you're a supermodel.

Try this instead: The only way you can possibly get away with cupping your chin in your palm, is to be truly besotted. Couples in the lovey-dovey honeymoon stage will often simultaneously adopt this posture, slumped on the table, gazing into each other's eyes.

In this situation, the posture switches from showing boredom to adoration. In every other case (excluding 12-year-olds gazing at a popstar poster and those at the beginning of a sexy, sultry love affair) it's to be avoided at all costs. There is no substitute pose - just get those hands away from any type of supportive position.

Not Moving

Not good: Standing or sitting so still, you look like a rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming car.

Try this instead: ‘People on the move' is a phrase used to describe interesting, dynamic people. Take it as a literal translation. Lots of shy, nervous, insecure people stand very still. Lots of enthusiastic, outgoing, passionate people move around a lot. Note the emphasis on ‘lots' because this by no means applies to everyone. If you're the type of person who stands so still at a party people start hanging their coats on you, making any sort of movement's got to be a major improvement. By all means practice and perfect all the ‘good' body language gestures and postures listed but they won't get you anywhere if you simply adopt one position and freeze in it all night. Instead of settling on one way to hold your hands/sit/stand why not master three or four variations? That way you can switch between them all, looking far more relaxed and confident and much less contrived.

Awkward Hands

Not good: Wringing your hands, sitting on your hands, balling your hands into tight fists, clutching onto a drink/bag/menu so tightly your fingers go white, fiddling, shredding labels/serviettes - all these signs signal nerves and anxiety. Putting your fingers in your mouth (but not in a good way) or biting your nails says, ‘I'm insecure and need reassurance.' Sexily sliding a finger suggestively into your mouth is an autoerotic gesture. But there's a huge difference between this and practically shoving your whole hand in there, which is what we tend to do when we're under pressure. Psychologists say it's an unconscious attempt to revert back to the security of breast-feeding: sucking our fingers is the equivalent of sucking on our mother's breast. A bit Freudian I know, but this one actually does make sense. As kids, we replace Mum's breast by sucking on our thumb. Adults often break that habit by biting their nails. (Interesting how most of us bite our thumbnail more than any other.) Theory aside, it looks unattractive. Stop it. Now.

Try this Instead

So what should you do with your hands? Shy or nervous people don't move around much, so whatever position they adopt with their hands can look forced. Any position will look awkward if you hold it for too long. The trick is to practice two or three different hand positions in front of a mirror and switch between them. Start by sitting down in front of a table (how you'd usually sit when out to dinner or in a bar), then try the following...

Keep your hands in view: In other words, stop sitting on them or shoving them between your knees. You do it because you don't want people to see they're shaking but people who are lying or hiding something also sit on their hands, so it looks decidedly shifty. Get them up and in view. Rest your forearms on the table, keep your arms open (but not ridiculously wide) and let them drop forwards. They've probably dropped so they're about half a meter apart, your palms are facing towards each other, fingers relaxed but slightly curling inwards. (If your arms are dangling in space, drop them closer to the table. Actually resting on the table is fine.) Now, pretend you're talking to someone (good idea to do these exercises when everyone else is out) and move your hands around, gesturing to back up what you're saying. Continue to use positions where your hands and arms are open and relaxed, your palms rather than the back of your hands are facing the person. It's OK to cross your arms if they're relaxed and loose, if you're leaning forwards with your elbows resting on the table (just don't stay in this position or clutch your arms tightly).

Steepling: A good trick if you're feeling really nervous on a first date is to steeple. Rest your wrists on the table palms facing each other, then spread your hands out, splay your fingers slightly, and press your fingertips together. Touching fingertips has a calming effect and makes you appear more confident. We steeple our hands when we're certain of what we're saying and have no doubt it will be believed: we're in control of a situation. We tend to steeple with fingers pointing upwards while we're talking and downwards while we're listening. Women tend to favor low, unobtrusive steeples, usually pointing down, men tend to steeple higher with fingertips pointing up. In general, the higher the steeple, the more confident you are.

Now stand in front of the mirror and see how your hand gestures translate. The trick is to move them around lots. Wave them about if you feel passionately about something, touch the person you're talking to, preen a little. Do anything other than stand in the classic I'm terrified position of clutching onto your drink with white knuckles.

The Ultimate Faux Pas?

There's nothing worse than misreading the signals and upping the flirting because you think they're interested, only to find out they're so not. Some people send out such clear sexual signals it couldn't be more obvious if they had ‘You're gorgeous. Want a date?' printed on their t-shirt. With others, it may not be that obvious. Unfortunately, most of us tend to be outstanding flirts and body language decipherers with people we don't particularly fancy and lose the plot entirely when faced with someone we do. So what do you do if you think someone's interested but you're not completely sure? Is there a way to test if they're flirting with you. There certainly is...

Apply the Rule of Four: Don't assume someone's interested in you unless they show a minimum of four separate, positive signals simultaneously and these signals are directed at you. You're looking for what's called ‘clusters' - lots of body language gestures saying the same thing. The mistake some people make is interpreting body language signals solo. They spot an eyebrow flash and think ‘Aha! They fancy me.' One hour later a foot points towards them and they take that as another sign of interest. Ten minutes on, the person starts preening and they start mentally debating which champagne cocktail to serve at the wedding. Taken separately and aimed generally, body language gestures mean little. Always apply the Rule of Four.

Check your own body language: Are you sending clear signals you're keen on them, such as making eye contact, keeping your body language open and touching them (in a safe place like their arm or shoulder)? Could you be sending out mixed signals? Be honest with yourself. What are your motives for getting together with this person? What are your true feelings? Is your body language leaking what your brain is telling you - you sort of like them but aren't quite sure?

For more articles on sexual health subscribe to Sandra Prior's online newsletter at http://intercell.shacknet.nu.


Related Tags: body, language, people, flirting, hands, touching, gestures

Your Article Search Directory : Find in Articles

© The article above is copyrighted by it's author. You're allowed to distribute this work according to the Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs license.
 

Recent articles in this category:



Most viewed articles in this category: