Lost Sweetheart: How to Get That Special Person Back


by John T Jones, Ph.D. - Date: 2007-11-11 - Word Count: 1889 Share This!

When I was 19-years-old, I was serving in the army in Oklahoma. It was a few months after the Korean War started and some of the men who had served there drifted back to the States.

One young man who had the marks of bullets and shrapnel over his body came home, immediately took leave, and came back two weeks later with a new bride, a girl he met on leave.

A second man, a corporal of 42-years-of-age of Mexican decent, returned to his wife. He had a problem and I had the sergeant stripes. He told me he had a horrible problem at home concerning his wife.

I listened to the corporal as he described his problem. I knew nothing about marriage or resolving marital problems. My parents had never said one word in anger to each other. They worshiped each other. I had never seen a marital problem and I didn't know how to resolve such a problem. But I listened.

Finally, I said, "You have alienated your wife."

He wasn't sure what that meant. I wasn't sure that I did. He said, "What can I do?"

I told him that he would have to join her in her housework, do the dishes, make the beds, mop the floor, and take out the garbage without being asked. I told him that he would have to court her again, that he should take her out to dinner without the kids. I told him that flowers are always good even if he had to pick them.

Two weeks later he came up to me and told me that he and his wife were very happy, happier than they had ever been, and that the problem had vanished.

When I was in college, I decided to take a course in Courtship and Marriage. There we learned the 51% rule that says that each partner should do more than his or her share. I had told my corporal friend before I left for Korea that he would have to give much more than that 51%, which he did. Another way to put it is The Golden Rule.

The above was a long-term relationship. Let's discuss that first and then we will go to the more usual short-term relationships.

Mending a Long-Term Relationship

First I would suggest that if the obvious as discussed above does not resolve a problem that a professional counselor be contacted. When conflicts are that deep, they are more difficult to resolve.

I would be wise in choosing a counselor. A counselor can make things worse and maybe even divide a couple further by becoming attached to one of the parties. I know a minister that ran off to another state with a man's wife. He was no help, just a hindrance.

Your minister may not be professionally trained, but that does not mean that he or she can not help you, but he or she could hurt you. An older minister with lots of experience and a spotless reputation can be very helpful. Also, don't engage a 19-year-old sergeant.

Over time, people can just become irritated with each other. A person expects to make love when what is needed is a good bath or shower. A person leaves clothing here and there for others to pick up. The house is never clean. There is never a decent meal. The kids are allowed to run wild. A person smokes in bed. There is never enough money to pay the bills.

As time goes on, things get worse. Pretty soon one partner can't stand to be touched by the other. Arguments are the rule of the day. The kids are running out of the house with their hands over their ears. Respect is gone. Profanity emerges. Love is lost.

Many such problems derive from lack of communications. My wife says I never listen to her. Even when I am listening, she says I never listen.

When I had young children, my youngest son would always pull on my pant leg to get my attention before speaking to me. I am one engineer/scientist/writer (I call myself, Taylor Jones the Hack Writer) that listens if you can get my attention.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about ignoring what your partner says. I always here my wife and she knows it. I just may be slow to answer. Maybe I have to think about things or maybe I would rather talk about whatever she needs to talk about later.

It's because I don't like major distractions when I'm trying to concentrate on something that seems important at the time. If I think that she is concerned about me dragging my answering feet, I immediately stop what I am doing and give her my full attention. There is a certain time during the day when she likes to jabber. I stop and listen. That is often when she says, "You are not listening." She says it from habit.

Pointing out shortcomings of a partner is a dangerous process. The young soldier with all the wounds I mentioned in the first paragraph knew his wife for only three days before he married her. They were from the same culture and he probably knew her as well if he had known her all of her life. I bet they are still married.

But people join together from different cultures and there are profound differences in individuals because of it. It can be a family issue, a religion issue, a social class issue, etc. Partnerships formed under these conditions should be based on some common ground, perhaps the same religious background. If joining relationships are too short so that a pair do not know and understand each other, there can be trouble.

After a couple is joined, each individual will see something in their partner that they did no know was there:

She bites her fingernails. My Goodness!

She can't even cook a can of soup.

Boy, can he snore.

I thought he wanted kids.

She never stops talking.

I wish he wouldn't eat in bed.

I don't think she will ever stop smoking.

People tend to put up with each other if in general conditions are good. There is a good home. The kids behave. Bills are paid on time. The car actually runs. But when big things pile up, the little nuisances grow. Those little nuisances should be discussed politely so that as many as possible can be removed so that neither partner has to put up with them for years on end.

To mend a relationship, compromises must be made. The problem is that people resist change, especially the change of old habits. Without change, the solution of the problem or problems is not viable. In the final analysis, one or both partners will depart from the relationship.

If legalities are involved and the parties hire attorneys, the chance of reconciliation are almost zero. Some attorneys are sensitive to relationships. Most, however, feel that being a marriage counselor is not their business, the relationship is dead, and it's time to divide up the goodies between the three parties. Yes, the attorney becomes a member of the group to extract his fees the sooner the better.

There may be a time period before the attorneys start their war of attrition that a partnership can be saved. One partner must make the first move. Well come back to getting that special person back.

Mending a Short-term Relationship

Short-term relationships fail because they are not fully developed in the first place. There are three kinds of love, platonic, spiritual, and physical. Early relationships are often based solely on physical love. The platonic and spiritual glues are not yet set.

Often early relationships fail because of infidelity. One partner may thing that the relationship is singularly mutual. The other may think it is not. That works until the partner finds out that he or she is not the only one, the other partner is dating other people.

More often, separations occur when one partner gets to know the other better and decides that a prolonged relationship is not in order. No reconciliation is desired.

Another common situation is that one partner gets his or her feelings hurt. Sometimes it is a matter of trust. Without trust, relationships founder.

We all see relationships breakup only to be followed by reconciliation. It is not uncommon for a relationship to resume years later when both partners have matured and are able to think before they act.

They taught is in Korea that if we were captured that we should try to escape immediately. That is when you are closest to your own lines and are still in physical shape to escape. The best time to reconcile a relationship is as soon as it is severed just as a surgeon repairs an accidently amputated arm or leg or finger as soon as possible.

How to Get that Special Person Back

Relationships can breakdown suddenly or over time. New relationships are more fragile and sudden severance is common. Whatever or whenever a separation occurs, an evaluation needs to be made to determine the cause.

Your partner may not tell you what caused the separation but simply say, "I think we had better let this relationship cool off. I need time to think and so do you."

You call the next day and nobody answers the telephone. You knock on the door and nobody answers. You wonder what in all creations happened.

Your partner will probably confide to a close friend the reason for the split. You need to find out the reason or reasons. You can't solve a problem if you do not know what the reason is.

But you probably know the reason or reasons. Perhaps you have been insensitive or even abusive.

Most people don't want to be dominated. I read in Dear Abby today that a woman was complaining because her partner was too present, too kind, too obsessive with her time. Her description sounded like the man would be a good father and husband but she needed more independence.

A friend of mine lost his wife because she wanted to be a singer. She moved to Boston to sing in a bar. To me, he showed too little remorse at her leaving. Maybe the bond was too weak, the marriage too cold.

If you think things out, you may be able to write a letter to your departed partner that shows that you know exactly what the problem is and what you are willing to do about it. Your partner may respond to an invitation to lunch. If your partner has confided to a friend, you may be able to contact that friend to say that you are sorry for what happened and want to get back together.

There are web site that help people get back together. I don't know how effective they are but they do supply reasonable information to help you repair a relationship and bring that person back. One is Save My Marriage Today: http://tjbooks.savemarria.hop.clickbank.net/ A second site is: Bring Back a Lost Love: http://tjbooks.cpemo.hop.clickbank.net/

I have found that Psychology Today is a very informative site and I suggest you read the free information there too: http://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/relationships.html

One of my detective novels, Bone China, has a subject who was married to a compulsive gambler who has ruined the family. If addiction is a problem in your relationship then you should read the topics at: http://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/addiction.html

Good Luck and Happy Days!




Related Tags: love, marriage, relationship, healing, divorce, back, spiritual, counselor, return, separation, partner, lost, physical, lover, come, platonic, attorn

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