Happiness seems to be the ultimate goal and if you aren't happy now, you would probably say that you are pursuing happiness so that you could be so in the future.

I work with many clients who are looking for a better relationship or would like to find a more fulfilling career and when I ask them what they really want, 9 times out of 10 they say they want to be happy. The problem is that when I ask people when was the last time they felt really happy, they either can't remember or they recall a time when they were kids and their biggest concern was an algebra test or at whose house they were going to sleep over.

When I think about adults and this relentless pursuit of happiness, I picture hundreds of hamsters frantically running on their wheels getting absolutely nowhere but somehow thinking they are making progress.

While most people want to feel happiness, most have no idea what it would take to make them happy. Have you ever known people who no matter what they do, how much money they make, what new career they begin, or what new relationship they have, they are never able to find happiness? Then there are those who seem to have nothing by society's standards and are as happy as can be. The reason is quite simple. Happiness does not come from the acquisition of things or from titles or new relationships. Buying a new house, going on a vacation, or getting a new title at work is never going to make you happy unless there is something even more powerful going on inside you - inside your heart and your soul.

So, How do I Find Out What would Make me Happy?

1. Define happiness - See if you can verbalize in very concrete terms what would make you happy.

I ask clients to define happiness and my request is often followed by a long silence or a less than verbose statement such as "I just want feel good - you know I want to be happy". It is often very difficult for people to define what happiness is for them, what it would look like, and how they would know if they achieved it. It is no wonder that the pursuit never seems to end and happiness seems to elude so many people. If you don't know what it is, how can you go get it?

2. Be Real about Your Expectations

There are many people who look at other people and compare their lives to their own and then experience feelings of inadequacy, lack, and jealousy. Many people see other people and think everything seems to work out great for everyone else. They say things like "everything always works out for her?" or "why can't that happen to me?". That perspective is flawed and will lead to greater dissatisfaction every time.

Everyone has a story and it is the rare event that things are exactly as they seem. People spend a lot of time and energy trying to show the world their best side but most of us have no idea what they are going through in their lives. If you spend all of your time wishing your life was like someone else's or envying others for what seems like a life filled with happiness, you will likely be missing out out on the joys in your own life. No two situations are the same so stop comparing yourself to others and appreciate your own situation. All of the energy you free up can then be used in your own life.

3. Do Not Expect Others to Make You Happy

Happiness comes from within. It comes from feeling good about who you are and how you are able to relate to the world around you. It comes from living your passion and surrounding yourself with good people. It comes from having a deep respect for yourself and for what you have to offer to all of those with whom you come in contact. It comes from being grateful for everything you have and from appreciating your place in this world. It does not come from other people. There may be people in your life that contribute to your happiness but if you were not happy before, they cannot make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. Do not look to someone else as your source for happiness, look to yourself. If you are able to do that, you will be able to see happiness in an increasing number of places.

4. Act Happy - Fake it if you have to

If you aren't there yet, fake it. Act happy. Tell yourself you are happy. Live happily. The best way to be something is to practice it. I do not become a runner by wishing for it. I become a runner by running every day. Even when my legs feel like lead and my heart is racing, I am still running. It is easy to be happy when things go your way. That is because you are relying on the external for happiness. Remember happiness is a state of mind and you have the ability to control that. Practice being happy and get connected to those things inside of you that make you happy.

5. Stop Pursuing it and Just be Happy

There are plenty of reasons to be happy. Think of yours today and instead of waiting for happiness to come or to "happen" to you, start experiencing it now. Our lives may always be a work in progress and we may always strive to do, learn, and grow more, but there is no reason why we can't experience happiness at every step along the way.