Are Dating Tips for Seniors an Insult to Seniors?
Yet people of our age want to enjoy life as much as the next person. We might take a longer time to enjoy it, and have more experience of it, but it is no less applicable simply because we are of a certain age group. The yearning or heartache would still be the same. Age is only relevant when we focus on the number itself instead of the quality of life we lead, which then robs us of the true meaning of that life. Well, I am one of those 'seniors' being advised and the picture painted of such people looks nothing like me because I am not defined by my age. I am defined by how I see the world and whom I wish to be. Age is just one part of the key attributes, what make up my identity: i:e gender, culture, religion, personality and age. 20%, to be exact. I will not give it any more significance than it deserves to have because the way I age is entirely down to the fears I have and the negativity I attached to ageing, which in turn dictate how rapidly I age and the way I physically look. As a 'senior', I will thus give my tips for finding a date as I see it, which is likely to be different from those of someone younger, perhaps with their own hang-ups about age. With that in mind, I have just four dating tips for seniors like me.
First: Know what you want: If you don't know what you want, how are you going to recognise it when you see it? How will you know that the person standing in front of you desperately trying to make small talk is the right person for you? How will you know whether they share the same values, aspiration and humour, for example? Often we are seeking an ideal soulmate yet we have no idea what makes them ideal or why they would appeal to us. My ideal man HAS to communicate, be intelligent and articulate, romantic and tactile and give me LOTS of attention. Additionally, he must not smoke and should be a moderate/social drinker. These are non-negotiable. All the other things I can compromise on. But if he cannot string a sentence together, seems to have nothing except air between his ears, or doesn't even seem the least bit interested in me, it will be hard work communicating in every sense. It would just make me want to shout, "NEXT!"
Affirmation and Reinforcement
Second: Be prepared to give and take - reciprocity, as they call it. Often we expect from soulmates what we would not give in return, like wanting them to make a fuss of us, or to compliment us, or to do things for us while we totally ignore their needs. We also find it hard to affirm and reinforce them, or treat them in a valued and appreciative way, yet expect them to treat us in ways we desire and expect. That is no way to find our ideal soulmates because it means we are merely intent on receiving without giving and a relationship is a two way process. In fact, it is more about your partner than yourself and if he/she treats you in a similar manner, putting you first too, you then have the ideal relationship made in heaven because you would both be too busy caring about each other to focus merely on yourselves.
Third: Having lived a lot of your life, it is natural that you would wonder how long you have left to live. So live each day as though it is your last while you enjoy every minute of it. It means finding someone who will really love you to bits, who will shag you silly and make you feel a million dollars because all that loving you're going to have will be the surest thing to extend your life, keep you looking beautiful and also keep that adrenalin flowing at top speed. You do not want a sedate, low-activity relationship when you're older, a grandad with his slippers and pipe at the ready. That's the surest thing to get you to an early grave. Avoid anything sedate and sedentary at this time of your life. The time you're going to spend making love, running, dancing, walking being romantic and behaving silly is going to be time well spent. It will be the making of you and give you a new lease and perspective. Live disgracefully, as I call it, and you will live longer because it is all about extending yourself, trying new things, keeping active and with an open mind - actually LIVING each moment - which preserve you and make life really worthwhile.
Four: Resist your children's attempts to put you in an 'old age' box at all cost because they will simply rule your life. Children, especially insecure and controlling ones, like perfect parents who 'behave' themselves and 'act' their age. But in today's revolutionary times of high technology, acting your age is the last thing you want to do. It would keep you from experimenting and having a date for its own sake. It would keep you stuck in ultra-cautious mode while your life rushes by. Anyway, what exactly is being 50? 60? 70? Is there a prescribed rule book that says you have to behave in a decrepit and needy fashion when you reach a certain age? Who lays down behaviour for an older person? Resist their attempts to rob you of a new partner and a life, especially when they are firmly joined with their own partners and are well catered for. it is YOUR life, not theirs, and you have to make the most of whatever time you're going to be given. So make your own decisions, no matter how unpopular.
Furthermore, a happy, contented, loved person makes a far better mother and grandfather, with much more to contribute to their family, than a miserable old whingebag who feels lonely, isolated and unwanted. Get dating today and put all the fears and anxiety behind you. The right soulmate for you could be just waiting around the corner!
These are my four tips for 'seniors'. Notice I did not mention age more than once!
Related Tags: dating, romance, relationship, seniors, culture, ageing, gender, loving, assumptions, shag
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ELAINE SIHERA (http://www.myspace.com/elaineone) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. Confidenial advice on personal/relationship issues is available on http://www.kasamba.com/Ms-CYPRAH). The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a Personal Empowerment, Relationships and Diversity Consultant. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-
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