Dealing With Infidelity


by Steve Thayer - Date: 2007-02-16 - Word Count: 412 Share This!

In the life of a couple, few challenges are as painful and confusing as dealing with infidelity. What is infidelity? Does it begin with "sin in my heart" or other types of fantasies of someone other than your spouse or partner? Does it include the flirtatious relationship at the office? How about online "chats?" What do those activities do to a relationship? Does it only include a sexual context, or can you "cheat" by establishing an emotional bond with another person? Usually, infidelity is seen as engaging in a sexual act or relationship outside of a marriage, but it really is part of a spectrum of attitudes and behaviors that put distance between partners.

The main question that is asked in such a situation is "why," which is usually stated, as "how could you?"

• Not love me enough to not do it
• Be willing to cause so much pain
• Risk everything we have

If involvement in infidelity were a rational act, there might be good answers to these passionately asked questions, but more often than not, those that "cheat" ignore their good sense and let their needs or feelings take over their decision making. Dealing with infidelity involves couples understanding the thoughts, but more importantly, the feelings that both have. If they just focus on the acts of infidelity, and not on what brought them to that point, then even if they get past it, the odds are good that it might happen again.

What motivates a partner to "cheat?" Of course there are people who just cheat. For them, honesty and sensitivity to others just doesn't figure into things. However, more often than not, unrealistic expectations of what the relationship should be like, and the inability to work through those disappointments, lead some to look for what they think they want elsewhere. If couples don't have the tools to communicate with each other about their needs, and come up with solutions that work for both of them, they are often left floundering with their emotions and a sense of being alone versus connected with another. That state of mind can lead to making destructive decisions, and everybody suffers.

For all too many couples, infidelity is the end of the relationship, but it doesn't need to be. Even given the tremendous pain of the situation, it can be a time for couples to re-evaluate, re-focus and even, re-commit to each other. If couples can understand and work through their problems, it doesn't have to be the end.


Related Tags: decision, pain, marriage, relationship, risk, couples, cheat, infidelity, sexual, partner, rational

Steve Thayer is a California State Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Certified Financial Planner™, and co-owner of http://www.MyVitalFiles.com, a Home Filing Solutions Company. He has written articles for various publications for 30 years, and besides working in counseling and financial consulting, his goal is to help make life less tedious and more fulfilling for people by developing paperwork filing solutions.

You may contact him at http://www.MyVitalFiles.com and steve@MyVitalFiles.com.

© Steve Thayer 2007 All rights Reserved - May not be copied or distributed without the author's permission.

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