Dislike Criticism? The Art of Constructive Criticism
As we see from the beginning of the parasha, it is even questionable as to whether one should offer criticism in the first place. Commenting on the seemingly superfluous language of "shlach lecha" (send for yourself), Rashi explains that "for yourself" means according to your (Moshe's) intention. G-d had not commanded Moshe to send spies to scout out the land. G-d promised that the Jewish people would posses it. It was only when the Jewish people approached Moshe with the request to scout out the land, that G-d acquiesced. Nevertheless, He made it clear that this was not His initiative. G-d did not ask for our feedback, yet we insisted on putting in our own "two cents".
Although in general, we should not be quick to provide criticism, there may be situations that warrant it or when our feedback is actually solicited. In these cases, we must practice the art of constructive criticism, or what I prefer to call feedback. When the meraglim returned from spying out the land, they spoke poorly of Eretz Yisroel. They told of its supposed shortcomings and drew the conclusion that it would be impossible to conquer it and survive there as it is a "land that devours its inhabitants (13:32)". Yet Calev, who along with Yehoshua was part of the mission, presented an entirely different approach, "we shall surely ascend and conquer it for we can surely do it (13:30)." Tova haaretz m'od m'od (14:7)" "The Land is very, very good." They all witnessed the same land, but the meraglim experienced it through a different lens, that of the critical eye. When the critical eye is one of negativity, when it is an ayin ra'a ( a bad eye) as opposed to an ayin tova (a good eye), the result can be devastating and demoralizing.
Criticism is only positive when it is constructive, when it builds up a person, not when it tears one down. When I was doing post graduate training in Imago Relationship Therapy, we were required to show tapes of our work with couples to our trainer. They were to be evaluated and if we had met the criteria we would pass. It was a bit nerve-racking and vulnerable to see ourselves on camera and be evaluated by a group. One thing that struck me about the feedback process was the safety and encouragement it provided. We knew as amateurs that our tapes would not be flawless and we were looking for feedback that we could implement to improve our work. Everyone in the room provided feedback: what I liked about your work, a technical suggestion, and how I see you moving into your "growth edge." Any criticism was prefaced with appreciations or positive statements. A person needs to be built up and feel good about what they did. The technical suggestions were specific and practical. This is crucial as a person must know what they did wrong and what they can change. General abstract criticism of the person's very being or of things they are unable to change is unhelpful and potentially damaging. Finally, the "growth edge", what a wonderful way to label it! Instead of labeling what we are doing wrong and not providing any room for improvement, we view it from a positive angle. I learned that feedback must be given in a supportive way so the person realizes what they need to improve and is inspired to do so rather than focusing on the negative, bursting their bubble and leaving them helpless and unable to see any rationality in the feedback.
One must walk away feeling good and confident about what was done right and motivated to improve. We ask for feedback to add more objectivity in order to take a step back and see what 'really happened'. I believe that we all have the desire to grow and would gladly welcome any feedback that assists us in that process. Although we must remember that any criticism we receive is still someone's else opinion and that our self-worth or performance is not dependent on another's approval, the ego is very fragile, and there is a strong need to feel safe and supported.
Therefore, it is crucial that any criticism given be constructive, to build, not to tear down. This is a delicate art for even if we are not malicious, we tend to look at the negative. The critical eye must be an ayin tova, unlike that of the meraglim.
While the meraglim did not need to deny their own fears, they could have looked at the situation in a more positive light, found the good in the 'bad', and drawn a different conclusion. If not given with sensitivity and wisdom, criticism can be very destructive. Besides what they said, they influenced others to follow in their negativity and caused the Jewish people to get nowhere, wandering for 40 years in the desert, and for that generation, never reaching their intended destination. When criticism is not given with care, it can very easily sidetrack a person and leave them feeling lost and discouraged.
Next time when we are in a situation that warrants feedback, let us have the sensitivity to view with an ayin tov, providing specific details and practical suggestions with the intent to build up the other person so they will be inspired to grow and improve. Only in that way can we become fully self-actualized, able to reach our personal Eretz Yisroel.
Related Tags: relationship, effectiveness, marriage counseling, couples counseling, efficacy, counselors, critic
Rabbi Slatkin is a Licensed Graduate Professional Counselor and a certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist in practice with Pastoral Counseling and Consultation Centers of Greater Washington, serving clients in the Baltimore metropolitan area. He works with couples and families and is available for lectures and seminars on the spiritual journey of relationships. Take advantage of the free happy marriage tips on our website at http://www.jewishmarriagecounseling.com
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