I did not come to this realization until I raised my hand in anger to strike my own little girl. The shock and fear in her huge tear-filled blue eyes brought all the raw emotions I felt when my Father slapped me rushing throughout my body and into the pit of my stomach. I felt severe anxiety and painful nausea at the same time. Thank GOD for watching out for my children, for at that moment I walked out of the room and swore I would never hit them. The fear and anger I felt was almost overwhelming. I vowed to never strike my children. I would never make them feel as I felt as a child.

At 39 years old, the slap across my face my Father gave me no longer hurts my body, but I could almost pee my pants, again, when I think of the incident. At age 14, urinating on myself due to fear of my Father has proven to have tremendous lifelong psychological impacts. To this day I still tell myself, "I deserved it. I should have not talked back. I should not have argued with him." This experience was formative in my development in the fact that it changed the way I raise my children.

Generations of violence, spanking with a belt or bare hands on bare bottoms, and humiliation techniques, such as, "What are you Stupid" are ending and parents are taking on a new comprehensive holistic approach to parenting. Practicing non violent communication instead of force and control to educate and guide our children through this precious journey of life. Rather than saying "good job," I observe and describe the situation or behavior. I do not use fear or intimidation to get my children to cooperate. Every chance I hear an argument between siblings I take advantage of the opportunity to have an enriched learning experience by communicating through the issue and initiating the children to come up with the solution. Our household tolerates absolutely no spanking or yelling. Although I must say, I have a loud voice and I have to work on this one." Name withheld by request

The harm of spanking for discipline has been thoroughly explained and demonstrated over the past century in a vast body of academic literature, scientific research, legal treatises, and recently in the popular media. We know that spanking is still considered the preferential form of child discipline as 22 states allow paddling with a wooden paddle in schools. Further evidence that spanking is a preferential form of child discipline is revealed in a random telephone survey done by Harvard Medical Center in 1997. 67% of parents surveyed stated they hit their child(ren) an average of once a week for discipline.

In my discussions with people who use spanking for discipline, the most frequent rationalization is that a two-year-old child cannot be reasoned with-spanking is the most immediate and best alternative. When I ask the adult if I can hit them because they cannot be reasoned with regarding hitting or spanking children, they are chagrined by the obvious analogy.

Another classic rationalization is the need to spank in emergency situations-when there is no time for explanations. An example of the rationalization that is frequently given is: "What if my child walks into the street with oncoming traffic. In this situation, one has to impress on the child that walking into the street is dangerous," they reason, "and spanking the child is the most effective alternative." This reasoning is faulty because spanking creates shock, whereby the mind is unable to focus or retain logic rather than enhancing comprehension. Furthermore, hitting engenders rage rather than respect. Thus, instead of creating learning and compliance to avoid stepping into the street, the child has learned to distrust and fear adults. Since the child is dependent on their aggressor(s)for their survival and in order to maintain the relationship, the child pushes the rage deep into the psyche. The accompanying response to body boundary violations is to act out in other ways that may include rebellion, violence, self-destructive behavior, etc.

Some people believe spanking is justified or even commanded in the Bible, specifically the book of Proverbs. There is a distinction, however, which is of key interest to fundamentalists, between the practice in King Solomon's day of beating people on the back and the modern American habit of buttocks hitting. The latter is not prescribed anywhere in the Bible. Furthermore, it needs to be pointed out that the Old Testament contains passages that could be (and in some incidents have been) construed as divine endorsements of wife-beating, racial warfare, slavery, the stoning to death of rebellious children and other behaviors that are outrageous by today's standards.

Our laws and our cultural values are unambiguous concerning adults who physically attack or verbally threaten other adults. Such behavior is recognized as criminal, and we hold the offenders accountable. Why then, when so much is at stake for society, do we accept the excuses of those who hit children? Why do we become interested in the needs of children only after they have been terribly victimized, or have become delinquents victimizing others?

The answer is not complicated. We cannot believe that hitting children is abuse until we can honestly acknowledge the mistreatment from our own childhood experiences and examine the shortcomings of our own parents. To the extent we feel compelled to defend our parents and guard their secrets, we will do the same for others. We will promote physical punishment as a 'standard' form of discipline or look the other way. By continually insisting that we 'turned out okay,' we are reassuring ourselves and diverting our attention from deeply hidden unpleasant memories.

Reconciliation and healing can only begin with an acknowledgment of the truth. It is futile to hope that denial, lies, evasions and excuses can somehow erase the memory and pain of past injuries.

"There never was a time when a major social problem was solved by beating a child. And there never will be such a time... For centuries adults have injured children and have lied about it, and other adults have heard those lies and then merely turned away... we must begin putting the blame where it belongs." . -- C. Everett Koop, M.D., Sc.D