Divorce leaves everyone, at some point, awash in self doubt. We wonder, "How am I going to deal with this? Can I deal with this? Will I get through it without life-long scars? What gives me the confidence to believe I can really pull this off?"

1. "Been There, Done That" - The Key to Building Confidence for Handling Life Changes

Been there, done that. The message is, if I have done it before, certainly I can do it again. But what if I haven't done it before? What if I am being asked to do something that is brand new, unique, foreign, strange, unwanted, even surreal? Such is the experience of divorce for many of us, as well as its sequel, recovery from divorce.

We never planned to get divorced. We never received training in school in how to recover from divorce. In fact, we often thought divorce was something that happened to "other people." However, here we are, knee-deep in our stuff, trying to make a recovery from divorce, and wondering: "Can I really do this?"

2. Blessings in Disguise - The Primary Source of Confidence for Making a Smooth Divorce Recovery

It turns out, "Been there, done that" is good news for anyone wanting to make a recovery from divorce. Even though we may not realize it, we have "been there, done that" - even if we've never been divorced before.

Our life experiences teach us how to make it through major change. Whether it is getting over our awkward first love affair in junior high school, making a comeback after getting downsized, enduring the personal terror of changing careers - everyone has gone through unwanted change and eventually has come out the other side. Almost always we are able to acknowledge we learned something valuable about ourselves we would otherwise never known.

We call it a "Blessing in Disguise." A blessing in disguise is a change we did not want to go through, but did anyway, after which we realized that we derived some good for going through the experience. Acknowledging blessings born by unplanned or unwanted change gives us confidence to face other life changes, including recovery from divorce.

3. An Example of How Your Blessings in Disguise Can Help You Recovery from Divorce: The Story of Ronald

At the height of the acrimonious chaos of his disintegrating marriage, Ronald was thrown in jail. His teen-aged son had concocted a tall-tale of abuse. His wife, all too eager to retaliate on Ronald for perceived injustices, called the police and "corroborated" their son's story, even though she had not witnessed it and their son was an active drug addict. (Years later, the son admitted to his mother that the story was made up.)

Ronald was thrown into the "Tombs," New York City's infamous jail. Not only was he subjected to the humiliation of being locked up with 20 or so career criminals, he also was subjected to sexual and physical threats by the others sharing his holding pen. After a terrorizing 28 hours he was released, but had to endure an year's worth of court-ordered restrictions and monitoring.

He did not think he could deal with the experience and come out whole. But he did.

Afterward, when he started working with me on making his recovery from divorce, he found great strength in that experience. He kept saying, "If I can make it through the Tombs and the New York City judicial system, I can surely make it through the relatively minor rigors of my recovery from divorce."

4. What's the Point?

Our life experience has given us the skills to handle the emotion-laden challenge of making unwanted, but necessary change. Our job is to recognize that fact and use it to face the demands of making a smooth recovery from divorce.