Two of the keys to financial success, especially in a couple's
relationship, are knowledge and communication. This article
focuses on the aspect of communication.

Tom Monson, the Vice President of Simple Joe, Inc. was giving a
series of free seminars on personal finance to people in his
neighborhood. Many couples were scheduled to attend but only
two or three were showing up.

Tom and I discussed the situation and wondered why
attendance was so low. We knew many people were interested
and several had expressed a desire to learn more about
finances directly to Tom. But when it came to showing up for the
seminar they seemed to find other things to do.

As Tom and I were discussing this he commented on the
behavior and attitude of some of the people who had shown up
for the first two seminars. At the first seminar, Tom noticed that
several of the husband & wife couples seemed a bit
uncomfortable discussing financial matters with each other.

Much of Tom's seminar involved recognizing and evaluating your
current financial situation, setting financial goals and ways to
measure your progress. But he was having a hard time getting
the couples to discuss financial matters between themselves.

We wondered if these couples may be hesitant to have a frank
financial conversation because conversations about money can
lead to disagreements and even fights. It has been estimated
that over half of all divorces occur to some degree because of
disagreements over money and finances.

So maybe these couples were hesitant to get into a public
argument about their finances because they know that every
time they talk about money they fight. Or they may just have
had one or two really bad fights about finances and so now
they try to avoid the subject.

I would venture to guess that all fights about money and
finances can be boiled down to one of two root problems; lack
of communication (or misunderstanding) and selfishness.

Lack of communication occurs when one spouse spends money
the other had earmarked for something else. Or when an
important financial decision occurs without input from the other
spouse. Or when a large purchase is made without the
consultation or consent of the other spouse.

Misunderstanding can occur when the couple is hesitant to
enter into a financial discussion, has trouble communicating or
just has trouble expressing financial ideas. It could be that one
spouse does not fully understand a financial concept. Or one
spouse is not being patient enough to have a full discussion of
the subject.

The need to be right vs. wrong in making financial decisions is
often very strong, especially in men. As the historical provider
for the family, some men see finances as solely their domain. It
can also be a sign of status or ego.

And in a situation where there are financial problems, many men
can get defensive easily when the wife questions decisions or
situations. This can lead to fights and misunderstandings.

After a discussion breaks down, the husband may feel like the
wife is ungrateful for what he does and does not trust him to
make correct financial decisions.

Meanwhile the wife may feel like the husband is talking down to
her, does not value her contributions to the family and maybe is
even hiding something from her.

This can happen when emotions get in the way of
communication. It is very important to be considerate of your
spouse and be careful how you phrase questions and
comments.

Also it is important to ask questions when you don't know or
understand a financial situation or decision. Lack of
understanding will lead to future confrontations. The husband
may assume that the wife knows the impact of the decision they
just made. Then if something goes wrong the husband can get
angered at his wife's questions because, to him, they could
seem like an accusation.

Or the wife may do something that the husband does not fully
understand and then the husband gets upset because "she did
not tell" him what it is she was doing or why.

So how do we solve or avoid these problems of lack of
communication and misunderstandings?

The first step is to leave your ego outside the door. You don't
know everything and neither does your spouse. It is important
to make sure that both people understand the financial topic,
how it affects their lives and what type of decision is best for
them and why.

If the wife is stronger in one area of finances, she needs to
patiently explain to the husband what she knows and how it
affects them. If the husband is more versed in a financial topic
he should patiently explain to the wife what he knows.

If neither of them have a good grasp on the subject, "shut up"
and go learn something more about it. Also don't be
embarrassed or ashamed of not knowing something. Just
because you are the "man" does not mean that you were born
with financial genius.

Just because you are the "woman" does not make you an
expert on household finances and it in no way means that you
are "not capable" of understanding financial topics and
concepts. Don't pigeon-hole your spouse or allow your spouse
to gloss over something without an explanation that you both
understand and could repeat to someone else.

We all make mistakes and we all have things to learn. Don't let
your pride or your ego get in the way of your financial success.
Don't let the subject of money become a sore spot in your
relationship. If you can remember to talk with your spouse in
the same kind of patient and respectful way you talk with your
boss, your conversations about finances will go much smoother.


David Berky is president of Simple Joe, Inc. a marketing company that sells simple software under the brand name of Simple Joe. One of Simple Joe's best selling products is Simple Joe's Money Tools - a collection of 14 personal finance and investment calculators.