A lot of 'who we are' comes from how well we have learned from crucial incidents in our lives, the general rules we draw from such experiences and how we change as a result.

However, learning in this way does not guarantee harmonious change - sometimes it results in behavioural 'work-arounds' and internal conflict.

It all depends on whether the new learning is fully integrated - or not. Let me explain what I mean.

Partially integrated learnings

It's possible to add rules and boundaries to our inner mental landscapes, without making these learnings a part of our deepest selves.

They can act as a filter or barrier to some of our deep motivations and intentions.

For example, this structure can manifest as one way of 'lacking confidence'.

The unintegrated aspects of behaviour interfere with the natural, relaxed ways of communication we have deep inside. In this case, such aspects may be: feelings of doubt, negative anchors, negative self-talk and distortions of how we imagine ourselves to be.

Another example may be someone with a 'broken heart'. At their core, they want to be close to someone special, yet they have unintegrated aspects (armouring) whose purpose is to keep them safe by maintaining a distance from others.

It's a conflict between their deep needs and what they will allow themselves to do.

Neither the 'core self' or the 'other aspects' are completely equipped to bring the situation to a satisfactory conclusion. It's necessary to have both combine productively at a deep level.

The goal is a self that can act appropriately without restraint and without doubt - A self without contradictions.

This is the very essence of personal congruence.

How do we reach that goal? It depends on whether we have fully integrated all new information into our core-self and changed thoroughly as a result.

Very often, the unintegrated aspects of life learning take the form of those who taught us - internal 'tape loops' of parent or teacher voices, for example. Or the sense that someone is watching - and disapproving of what we intend.

These are still treated as external and separate if they work on us in those forms to modify our decisions or actions.

As far as I can tell, no-one is perfectly integrated. So ask yourself:

What aspects of change have you fully taken on board, and which ones have become externalised rules that a part of you imposes on your core-self?

What have you learned and what have you not-learned?

I define learning as a means of changing old behaviours into new, harmonious behaviours.

Not-learning is a method of installing your own 'mind police' to enforce new behaviours even though your core-self still wants to do what it always did. The result is internal conflict, a feeling of restriction and is the very essence of self-sabotage.

Does this make sense?

The real question is - how do you sort that out and really learn - really absorb life's lessons in a positive and useful way?

You've got to absorb those 'other selves' that keep those behaviours in check.

It's a bit like living in a dream world - it's said that people in our dreams represent aspects of ourselves.

How do you make those 'people' and their views welcome?

It's good to open channels of communication - engage them in dialogue. It's important to realise that these are aspects of your self and you are only treating them as separate for the purposes of further understanding.

So you set the ground rules, as you're inviting them into your personal space. What behaviour will you tolerate in your own home? Also remember that you're reclaiming an old friend and bringing them closer than ever before.

Here is the process I use with clients to integrate these 'external aspects' :

Imagine a meeting place where you feel completely safe and comfortable.

This could be a familiar place, either real or imagined. Furnish it appropriately for a comfortable chat.

Decide on some ground rules for the conversation.

What sort of dialogue are you comfortable with? Decide what form the conversation will take and what is allowable for you.

Invite the 'other' into the safe space.

Notice what form they take - it could be abstract, or they may appear in the guise of a familiar character or person. The shape chosen is usually meaningful in some way.

Greet the 'other' as an equal and establish a common ground.

What do you have in common?
Is there any aspect of the situation where you both want the same thing?
Since everything is one at a high enough level, it's always possible to find some common elements. Imagine a connection between you, based on this common ground.

Consolidate the common aspects.

Are there aspects of the behaviour/learnings where you agree completely?

Do you share a common purpose?

Allow these to strengthen your perception of the connection between you.

What aspects are most important:

For them? For you?

Come to an accord.

In the light of this new understanding, can you now agree on a new course of action that suits both of you? It's very important that neither side gives away something vital and that the solution is one where both win.

Integrate the new learnings.

As you reach accord, draw the 'other' into yourself in whatever way is most comfortable and appropriate for you. Bear in mind that you are reclaiming a part of your self - removing an unnatural barrier between you and a special resource.

In the days, weeks and months that follow, notice how that aspect of your behaviour has changed for the better.

In Conclusion

The goal of many spiritual disciplines is to be 'fully integrated' or 'of one mind'. In fact, the word 'yoga' means 'union'.

Reclaim these 'aspects of self' as old friends and you will soon realise what it means to be more than the sum of your parts.