Love Killers Destroy Relationships and Create Misery: 10 Examples

by Michelle Vasquez - Date: 2007-02-07 - Word Count: 784 Share This!

1. Blame

Blaming others means you don't have to accept personal responsibility. Blame stunts your personal growth. It allows you to be a victim. Once you put on the mantel of victimhood, you no longer have to take care of yourself. It's always someone else's fault. You can get sympathy from others.

Here's the biggest drawback: your partner will stagger under the burden of guilt. You are likely to find you've created more distance in your relationship. Distance can be the beginning of the end, the love killer of your relationship.

It is of the utmost importance to be aware of blame and learn to take responsibility. Your partner will thank you and you'll feel better about your relationship.

2. Selfishness

If it's all about you, then it's not about your relationship. You believe you deserve to come first and you think your partner should do what you want. Selfishness has no place in an adult relationship.

The only person who gets away with total selfishness is a newborn baby. For a newborn, selfishness is a survival tool. For an adult, selfishness is inexcusable. If you always put yourself and your desires first, prepare for heartache.

3. Correcting your partner in front of others

If you truly want to help your partner, wait until you are alone. Correcting your partner in front of others does nothing to endear you to your partner. Can you imagine your partner saying, "Thank you, honey, for correcting my pronunciation in front of my family"? Not likely.

4. Jealousy

Jealousy, which comes from insecurity, usually gets you the opposite of what you want. You fear your partner will leave you, so you keep tabs on the cell phone calls and the emails. You call your partner repeatedly to check on him/her.

Eventually, your partner will get fed up with your insecure behavior. Your jealous behavior got you exactly what you were trying to prevent: the loss of your partner.

5. Thinking you're better than your partner

This is a very dangerous idea to entertain. Your partner can never do enough to please you. You hold your partner in disdain. You feel superior to your partner. This is a recipe for disaster.

If you don't value your partner's abilities and gifts you're on the road to heartache. If you think you married beneath yourself, think again.

6. Treating your partner like a child

You say your partner acts like a child. If you don't do it, it won't get done. Your partner needs to grow up. You frequently tell your partner, "Act your age" or "You're such a baby."

Remember, if your partner is "acting" like a child, you are probably "acting" like a parent.

7. Expecting your partner to carry the majority of the responsibilities

The idea of sharing everything fifty-fifty in a relationship is a myth. It's not possible. "I took out the garbage last time, so it's your turn" is score keeping. If a task needs to be done, you can decide to do it. Otherwise, you could get into the habit of nagging.

If you want to be fair, consider what your partner needs. When your partner feels secure and loved, you will reap the benefits. Your partner will be more likely to help you when you need help. If you expect your partner to do it all, you're likely to breed resentment and get even less help.

8. Criticism

I don't believe there's such a thing as "constructive criticism." If you tell your partner what you don't like, you can do it without criticizing. Sometimes you can decide to remain silent. After all, just because you don't like something your partner does, it doesn't mean it's wrong.

9. Rigid beliefs

"This is the way we always did it in my family" is a communication stopper. It says you'd rather hold onto what you think is the "right" way than to negotiate with your partner.

If you always want things done your way, is it worth the distance this attitude creates?

10. Angry, get my way behavior

If you yell loud enough or pitch a fit, people give in and do what you want. It works in restaurants when you don't like the service. It works with your partner when you want him to do things your way.

If you make yourself disagreeable enough, people will give in and you'll get your way. The problem is that this kind of behavior erodes the love your partner feels for you.

If you recognize these habits in yourself, you can change them. If you recognize these habits in your partner, ask yourself what you are doing to contribute to the problem. Take responsibility for your own behavior. Once you change your habits, see if you notice a change in your partner's behavior. It does no good to try to change others. Work on eliminating these habits in your life and watch your relationship change for the better.

Related Tags: relationships, anger, blame, criticism, jealousy, behavior change, selfish, marital strife

Visit for more tips and tools about relationship building and sign up for the free newsletter, Relationship Success, while you're there. Check out these blogs for more articles about relationships: and Michelle E. Vásquez is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice in San Antonio, Texas.

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