Handling Your Sexual Affairs And The Values Of Love Relating

by Strephon Kaplan-Williams - Date: 2007-04-12 - Word Count: 1392 Share This!

Let's get one thing straight to start with. Everyone has a right to their own sexual expression. It is their right in life to express themselves how they see fit within the limits of what others who have power over them set according to the values they have.

Thus when you are having regular sex and relating with someone else not your regular sexual, live-in partner at home then that is your right to do so.

However, your regular partner may try to exert power over you to stop sexually relating to someone else other than themselves. They may bring family members and mutual friends in on the scene in an effort to gain enough power over you to control you and get what they want from you, which is often to stop the affair.


The biggest reason why a sexual partner starts lying about sleeping with someone else is to protect themselves from being attacked and controlled.

Remember that love connectedness is best expressed when you are in a mutual exchange relationship. Thus with some couples the partner wanting outside sexual expression then makes an effort to include her regular partner in a mutual wider range of sexual expression, such as group sex parties of sexual trainings and so on.

What many of us have been able to do these days is throw off the old Christian, or other religious beliefs, that it is wrong to have certain kinds of sex but all right to have other kinds of sex. These are artificially created attitudes. Someone judges some human behavior as wrong and then convinces others that it is so.

What's great about the Torah and the Old Testament is that it is a record of human beings evolving in making laws. There is rape in these records and stealing somebody else's wife or a man's seed.


If it can be done it will be done. If it is done it will be known.

However, there are consequences for ones actions.

An act of murder is the killing of someone else one does not like. Society dislikes so much allowing people to kill each other because they want to that society devote part of the money they earn to hire others to kill or imprison those who kill other members of society without just cause as defined by law.

In the realm of sexual expression a partner in a primary relationship that seems to be working has an interest in keeping that primary partner relating to them. When a partner has a sexual affair with someone else this becomes a threat to the primary partner because it may mean the end of the primary relationship.

One important function humans use sex for is for indicating bonding. I am having sex with you so that means that we are choosing to spend other kinds of time together as well. We like each other. We can create together in a number of ways and build a life together.


Thus when having sex with a primary partner and a secondary partner this is perceived as a threat to at least the primary partner.

The primary partner may not have the power and skills to keep their partner bonded to them when there is another human being out their also bonding to their primary partner.

Thus do primary partners say that their partners must relate only to them or the relationship is over and they must divide the goods and push each other away.

Of course all this emotional upsetness and jealousy scenes is play-acting whose purpose is to try and assert power and control over a straying sexual partner. It is an attempt to coerce relationship rather than building the bonding based on natural creative expression together.


If you want to handle a partner you perceive as weakening your primary relationship, don't get destructive. Do the opposite. Build the bonding. Create further bonding together. If you cannot do this then end the relationship. Why be ineffective in your bonding ability? You want bonding and relating, don't you, more than you want a certain person to bond with?

Of course it often takes a lot of energy to end a relationship, so this becomes a factor against ending primary relationships. But you don't have a relationship anyway if you must finally end it, so no big deal. Just end it.

About half of modern people live alone. They are not bonded to another person! They don't share and build energy and goods together. They do not build a home together with anybody but live their lives alone, probably in an effort to conserve energy and reduce stress caused by the many bonding issues that can be evoked between people.

This is a clinical analysis we are doing. This author is a psychologist and a former practicing relationships counselor. Yes, people are important as individuals, but when it comes to sex and bonding one must see the dynamic factors for what they are so that things can be clearly sorted out.


When someone does not want to relate to someone else this means that they do not want to share cooperative energy with that person, even though they have done so in the past.

The relationship should be ended, pure and simple. If the energy exchange is not right, don't do it. Don't waste your precious life energy down a sink hole.

However, if the partner wants to keep the primary bonding relationship and have some sexual and relational bonding with someone else, or a variety of partners, what can be wrong with this if the primary and secondary relating is done openly so that all parties involved know what they are dealing with and can make their adjustments?

Yes, nice and rational, but can all parties involved make their adjustments? Some societies even allow for the secondary relationship so as to make it easier for people to handle their relationships.

What a competent relationships counselor does is teach open communication between partners and also the basics of sharing energy and life with others so that the partners can learn to sort out their own relating in real time with the real values they choose to live by.

Thus, when you are fully adult be sure you keep learning how to cooperatively relate in realistic ways with others so that as you seek to fulfill yourself you are also aware of how others are also seeking to fulfill themselves.


When it all comes down to your dying days, what does it matter whom you have had sexual intercourse with and why? Those times are past. What does matter most certainly is the quality and the effectiveness of the relating life that you have indeed developed with certain others.

What have you become by the life given you?

Did you give up on relationship, as so many do?

Or did you learn how it truly is to fulfill yourself and support another also in the intimacy you two were able to develop together? It's not whom you relate to so much as it is the quality of the relating you do do with the persons you are in creative contact with during your life time.

You cannot hold onto life, therefore you cannot hold on to another person. You can, however, keep developing your awareness of what it truly is to develop love and mutual bonding in the life that you do have.

When it's all said and done, you have only yourself. No one can go on the path you go on in life. It is up to you, and you alone to make something of your life, and to help others to do so as well where help is mutual.

This is relationship.

The love that is real is the love happening now.

Diligo ut est verus est diligo venio iam.


Do you agree with this viewpoint that everyone has a right to their own sexual expression? Is there a difference between men and women in sexual behavior and attitudes? One woman said that men do not like jealous women because it intrudes are their perceived need to be freely sexual with anyone they are attracted to. A man said that he practices being available to any woman sexually where the interest is right. What are your views? What do you think should be done when you or someone you know is involved in a sexual affair?

Related Tags: sexuality, affairs, bonding, relating, sexual expression, sexual relating, sexual affairs, sexual bonding

Strephon is a retired marriage, family and child counselor from California. He has written books and articles on solving sexual relating problems, his most well-known being Love, Sex and Intimacy sold privately from his website as a download.

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