Getting and Keeping the Woman You Desire - Ten Do's and Don'ts

by Rhonda Findling - Date: 2007-03-04 - Word Count: 778 Share This!

Sometimes men meet women they're attracted to but don't have the right tools to engage them, resulting in a lost connection. As an author and dating coach to hundreds of men and women throughout the years I've discovered the 10 following ways of behaving and relating that will ensure a man's ability to captivate and keep a woman's interest.

DON'T'SDon't push sex so much

Most women find men who talk about sex when they're first starting to date obnoxious.  If you keep trying to talk about sex, you just end up looking desperate and sexually hungry. Like you never get any. Women like men who can hold back a little -who can take it or leave it.  Pushing sex too much can also make a man look like he has a one-track mind and is not interested in having a relationship with her which will make most women run for the hills.

Don't turn her into your shrink

Don't overwhelm a women with too may of your problems when you're first getting to know her. Don't discuss your dysfunctional family, money problems or a bad divorce. Women might immediately categorize you as a loser and exceptionally needy. If you're struggling with so many problems, consider seeing a therapist instead and keep your dates just for socializing.

Don't stare at her body inappropriately

Most women find a man who is staring at her breasts or some other part of her body when they are speaking offensive. She usually feels objectified and even violated.  It also gives women the impression that the man is not really interested in her as a person.  In addition it usually makes the man look immature, not smooth, socially inept and desperate for sex.

Don't act desperate

Even if you're crazy about a woman try to sit on your feelings and act cool.  Don't chase so much.  Nothing turns off a woman more than a man who calls her incessantly. Remember the scene from Swingers where Jon Favreau keeps calling the girl from the bar over and over and she tells him never to call her again? Women warn each other about men who give them the big rush job in the beginning only to disappear later on. So you're better off calling her to show your interested but in a timely appropriate manner so you appear stable and sincere.

Don't be cheap

Even in post-feminist times, nothing turns a woman off more than men who won't shell out money for the first few dates. Men who don't like to pay look withholding and anal. If you have frugal tendencies contain them at least until you're in a long-term relationship.  Then maybe she'll appreciate it more.

DO'SBe a little edgy

Edgy is almost an art form. It's walking a fine line between being available, and holding back a little. It's having a masculine powerful presence while also appearing vulnerable -like Jack Bauer in 24. If this is too difficult then at least wear a leather jacket and try to act "as if".

Tone down the sarcasm

Many women experience sarcasm as hostile. Making fun of a woman you're highly interested in even if it's said in a clever way is not the way to go.  You don't want to come across as the jerky sixth grade boy who wants to dip her pigtails in ink.   Sit on your urge to make sarcastic comments, which actually may be a symptom of your anxiety. Funny is good as long as she's not the target of the joke.

Be a good listener

Nothing turns a woman off more then a man who's just waiting for her to finish speaking so it's his turn to talk. Even if it takes a lot of self discipline focus on what she's actually saying. Then give her some reflective feedback to let her know you're actively listening.  The most successful salesmen and politicians are great listeners. That's how they learn what a person needs so they can make a great sale or get a vote.

Have great eye contact

Try to gaze into her eyes when you speak. There's nothing more seductive than a guy who not only looks at a woman while he or she is speaking, but holds the gaze a couple of seconds longer than necessary. It's very sexy.

Try to look cool

Even if clothes aren't your thing try to buy shoes, suits and clothing that sexy guys wear. Even if you only have one seductive going-out outfit. The myth that women are only into how much money you earn and the car you drive is simply not true. Women are very much into if a guy is hot looking just like men are. And always always have clean fingernails!

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Related Tags: desire, woman, you, and, getting, ten, dos, the, donts, keeping

Rhonda Findling, M.A.,C.R.C. is the author of "Don't Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go" (Hyperion),  "The Commitment Cure" (Adams Media) and "The Dating Cure" (Adams Media). She is a dating coach and psychotherapist. She has been in private practice in New York for the past 20 years and consults (by telephone) with clients all over the world. Her website is:

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