Finding Your Ideal Mate(1)- Key Things to Avoid

by Elaine Sihera - Date: 2007-03-30 - Word Count: 725 Share This!

At this competitive time in our lives, when the demographics are skewed towards women living a very long life, with an acute shortage of men in the later years, it might look as though eligible partners are thin on the ground. But it really depends on where you look for your ideal mate. There is more than one partner for each of us, if we are willing to change our attitude, to let people reveal themselves to us and are less prescriptive in what we want. If we are only interested in blondes, we immediately rule out women of all other hair colours who may carry the same characteristics as blondes, yet who might need nothing more than a colouring shampoo to complete the picture!

We will always have types of people we prefer, but the more limited the parameters, the narrower the choice and the more difficult these people are to discover. Finding romance is no different from any other aspect of our life. We have to take the responsibility for making it happen, alongside realistic expectations. We are all after 'perfection' in our partners, in some form or other, always forgetting that we are far from perfect to the other party and so any perfect match will be difficult to attain.

Nevertheless, to make a start on that ideal relationship, you must develop a plan of action. Sitting at home waiting for the person to come to you will yield nothing because they do not know where you live! And you might be dead set against any 'commitment' too. This word 'commitment', by the way, seems to strike fear in the hearts of men, in particular, and prevent many relationships. As one psychologist said, "Many folks are very sincere about their desires to be involved with another person, but are not committed to making it happen. Sincerity is an attitude, while commitment is an action. Sincerity without action does not make anything happen." Yes, indeed. But with commitment coming toward the top of the desired list of all marriage qualities, it demonstrates beyond a doubt that one cannot have a successful relationship without some form of commitment.

Make Space in Your Home for Partner

Some people also believe that luck and romance go together. They just have to sit tight in their living rooms and their knight in shining armour will ride by and sweep them up side-saddle. But the right person for us is hardly connected with luck, a concept which merely maintains the illusion that we have no power to affect our fate; that we are helpless bystanders in the game of life. Being attracted to people on a PIE level (physical, intellectual and emotional) means that luck plays little part in it. We would expect to feel the first stirrings of love when we meet this person who strongly matches our PIE requirements. People who search for a partner while they hope for the best, without any real conviction regarding their own personal appeal, have little chance of winning because it is they who have to set the pace and the course for success.

On the practical side, Feng Shui experts advise that, if you want to attract a new romantic partner - or to move a casual relationship closer to commitment - make sure there is space for that person in your home, especially in the bedroom. Look at your wardrobes, shelves and dressing tables. If they are all filled to capacity with your own stuff, clearing some room for your current or future partner needs to be made a priority. One expert advises, "Aim to free up 25 per cent of the space in your bedroom for someone else's things. When you are finished, take a moment to visualise your loved one's belongings finding a home there."

Additionally, remove old relationship energy. Go through your home - especially your bedroom - and remove anything that reminds you of past failed relationships. This could be an ex-boyfriend's old sweater, photographs of you with a previous partner, a gift that reminds you (unfavourably) of a giver with whom you are no longer in love - anything that reminds you of a love that went badly. You are advised, "No matter how incurable a romantic you may be, do not keep old love letters anywhere in your bedroom, unless they are from someone with whom you are still blissfully paired up."

Related Tags: attraction, dating, commitment, expectations, intellectual, emotional, partner, physical, soulmate

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - and is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a consultant for Diversity Management, Personal Empowerment and Relationships. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"

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