New Mom Marriage - How to Keep Yours Strong After Your Baby is Born
It's 7:05 PM and you've been with your baby all day. Your partner is in his study (or at the office) working. You are exhausted, frazzled and struggling to get through the night. You 'know' that you shouldn't disturb your partner, yet you desperately need a break. You decide that you can manage without his help (and do) until your beloved walks into the kitchen (or calls) to check-in. Without meaning to, you burst into tears and tell him that you cannot take it anymore; that he's doing nothing to help you; and that you should NEVER have become a mother in the first place. He looks at you like you are crazy and your blood boils: clearly he is incapable of 'getting it'; clearly you married the wrong man!
Ring any bells?
If it does, don't panic: many moms feel surprised at the range of emotions that they feel towards their partners after their babies are born.
What's a mom to do?
The Band-aid Approach: Getting Through the Here and Now
Take a deep breath and try to find a way to spend a few minutes alone.
Remember the three 'Rs':
Realize that it is a myth that having a new baby will automatically make you and your partner feel more in love, united and happy (although some couples experience just this). During the transition to parenthood couples often experience stress in their marriage.
Don't let others (or your own) expectations of your happiness prevent you from admitting and communicating how you really feel.
Remember that if you are sleep-deprived and experiencing post-partum hormonal mood swings, your emotional equilibrium may be compromised and you may be more reactive than you usually are.
Recall that you love your partner and are with him (or her) for a reason. Let the situation at hand slide for the moment, so that you can discuss what you are experiencing when both you and your partner feel more calm.
A Deeper Approach: Holding on to Your Self
Part 1: You
When you have a little breathing room, take a few moments to acknowledge and accept how you are really feeling about motherhood in general and about your partner in particular. Ask yourself:
If I had my ideal version of mommy-baby-daddy life, what would it look like? How can I express to my partner in a non-judgemental way what I need to be okay? What am I afraid to say and why am I afraid to say it? What can I do to strengthen my relationship with and increase my connection to my partner?
Part 2: Your Relationship
It is time to sit down with your partner (preferably when your baby is with a caregiver or asleep in the other room) to discuss:
What you've been experiencing. What you need. What your partner feels and needs. Ways in which you can strengthen your relationship with each other.
Make clear to your partner that s/he has done nothing wrong. Listen to responses and try to renegotiate mommy/baby/daddy life so that both
Related Tags: marriage, mother, new motherhood, new mom, first time mom, new mom help, baby help, marriage support
Claudia Heilbrunn is a parenting expert and life coach for new moms. She offers her insights, tips, strategies and consistent support to increase moms satisfaction, joy and well being day to day. Claudia owns Significant Self coaching. Visit her website at http://www.significantself.com or contact Claudia at 212-222-4394.
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