UFO - The Kringstrot Cyphloodon
I never want to see that alien sprite.
When Xrytspet appeared, I was watching my neighbor's white Labrador Retriever out the front window. His name is Gunner, Gunner III to be more exact, and he retrieves rocks, sticks, balls, and paper hangers.
Gunner does not retrieve birds.
When my friend or his son drops a pheasant or quail or duck or sage hen, Gunner just gives the bird a sniff and walks away.
That's when Xrytspet popped in.
Xrytspet: I've counted the ways you waste time. This is 1784.
Hack Writer: I wish it were 1784 and you were-
Xrytspet: Ah, yes, 1784! You have a knack for picking the most boring years in history: The North Carolina General Assembly changed the name of Kingston to Kinston. The Japanese famine killed 300,000. Benjamin Franklin tried in vain to persuade the French to alter their clocks in winter to take advantage of the daylight and invented bifocal spectacles. Antoine Lavoisier pioneered quantitative chemistry. Britain received its first bales of imported American cotton. Emperor Josef II suspended the Hungarian Constitution because of a Revolution in Transylvania. Huge locust swarm hit South Africa. And the triumph of triumphs, Cholesterol was isolated. The-
Hack Writer: The French are not so dumb. Kinston! We built a factory there to make bone china.
Xrytspet: What you did was turn a perfectly good farm into a parking lot.
Hack Writer: 1784! Sometimes I think you have Google(r) wired into your brain.
Xrytspet: It is convenient.
Hack Writer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1784, right?
Xrytspet: That is your Number 16 time-wasting scheme: your mindless chatter. I came here to invite you to the Kringstrot Cyphloodon.
Hack Writer: I only like summer baseball, college basketball in March, the professional basketball playoffs, boxing, and live football even in summer.
Xrytspet: The Kringstrot Cyphloodon, my brainless friend, is not your favorite sport.
Hack Writer: Then I won't like it, will I?
Xrytspet: Why do I bother? Adios, Taylor Jones the Hack Writer.
Hack Writer: Hasta la vista!
Xrytspet disappeared. Good riddance to bad rubbish!
But before I could blink, there I was next to her in the FnL7 Time Craft. For an instant we were in Transylvania.
Xrytspet: Whoops! I didn't change the time setting. Ah, here we go.
Hack Writer: Here we go to what and to where?
Xrytspet: We're off to the Kringstrot Cyphloodon. It's held every 187 earth years on the planet Kringstrot in G14635339990000. You will be a curiosity. You are the first human to go too. By the way, there are no facilities for continually defecating humans there so you won't be able to eat or drink until after the Cyphloodon.
Hack Writer: How long is this Cyphloodon.
Xrytspet: With the preliminary ceremony and the final banquet, it last three earths years. I'll give you a potion so you don't die.
Hack Writer: You are so lovingly considerate, Xrytspet. The potion will probably turn me into a kangaroo or kitten or god knows what.
Xrytspet: Not a kangaroo or a kitten. You have no imagination Taylor Jones the Hack Writer.
I noticed on the destination clock that we were going to earth year 2568. Xrytspet had placed an algorithm in her computer so that the star date was converted to our time. She did that just for me. Knowing she was going to turn me into something I wouldn'd like, I said sarcastically, "Hallelujah!"
Xrytspet: I'll tell him.
Hack Writer: Tell who?
Xrytspet: God, of course. Who else does that word apply to?"
Hack Writer: God gets plenty of praise without you delivering mine personally.
Xrytspet: Well, tell him yourself. We are almost there.
Hack Writer: God attends the Kringstrot Cyphloodon?
Xrytspet: He not only attends but he rides a flexestradon, named Pokenadar, that always wins the sky jump medley.
Hack Writer: Did I say I liked track, Xrytspet?
Xrytspet: You will like the Kringstrot Cyphloodon.
The End
P.S. It turns out I enjoyed the Kringstrot Cyphloodon. I had a chat with God and asked him when President Bush would end the war he started in Iraq. He glided off as he said, "I thought you might be an earthling. That conversion Xrytspet gave you greatly improves your looks. You look good in chestnut fur and those pea green eyes are very striking. I'll see you later, Taylor Jones the Hack Writer. I've got to get ready for the next race. Let's see, I'll be seeing you on - Oh, you don't want to know."
Related Tags: french, god, president bush, ufo, xrytspet, taylor jones the hack writer, kinston, benamin franklin
John T. Jones, Ph.D. (tjbooks@hotmail.com, a retired VP of R&D for Lenox China, is author of detective & western novels, nonfiction (business, scientific, engineering, humor), poetry, etc. Former editor of Ceramic Industry Magazine. He is Executive Representative of IWS sellers of Tyler Hicks wealth-success books and kits. He also sells TopFlight flagpoles. He calls himself "Taylor Jones, the hack writer."
More info: http://www.tjbooks.com
Business web site: http://www.tjbooks.com
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