You know, Jane and Bob work so hard that they wonder sometimes if they even have a life, if their life is in balance. Maybe there is no such thing as balance (and Jane and Bob heave a big sigh of relief - one less thing to strive for). If there is balance, it's right there in the moment because life changes in the next nanosecond, and everything gets all out of whack again. Balance is more of a way of life, not a result one tries to achieve.

Balance means whatever feels right to us in the moment. If we listen to ourselves (and our bodies), we know when things are "off." This "off" feeling is the clue that something is out of balance, out of whack, for us right then. It doesn't mean that two months from now a similar situation would make us feel the same way.

What causes us to be "off"?

Often not being clear about our priorities and values is the root cause of being out of balance. If Jane and Bob have a bunch of shoulds in their life ("I should get home to have dinner with my family." "I should respond to the client in the same day." "I should move up the corporate ladder."), then they are driven by the shoulds and thrown off balance. Those shoulds make you forget or lose sight of your priorities and values. If they kept their priorities and values in mind more, then it would be easier to achieve balance - those shoulds wouldn't be so important.

Once you are clear about your values and priorities, then your actions need to match those values and priorities. If moving up the corporate ladder is a priority for Jane (and whatever value it satisfies for her), then she will do whatever is necessary to make sure that it happens. More than likely, this means she'll be working lots more and having less family time.

The second piece that causes one to be out of balance is expectations and lack of communication. With Jane's priority of moving up the corporate ladder, working long hours (at the expense of spending more time with her family) isn't a problem unless Jane (or her spouse) thinks it is. It's also not a problem unless Jane hasn't had the conversation with her spouse about what moving up the corporate ladder is going to mean - and get his acceptance of the situation. Note: acceptance doesn't mean that the other person buys in and likes the situation. It just means he or she has acknowledged that this is important and will support you in what you need to do to get there.

Believing you can achieve balance is another cause of being out balance. Striving to hit some arbitrary level causes stress, frustration, and dissatisfaction. Accepting that at times you'll have more time for yourself, friends, and family and at other times you won't makes it easier to go with the flow. Balance isn't an everyday thing. It's not a place to arrive; it's a mental state, a psychic state, and a metaphysical state.

How does knowing this help?

First, Jane and Bob must make sure that they are clear about their core values and priorities. Until they are, they can't share them with others in their lives.

Next, they need to communicate to others around them what they need from those folks and their intentions.

Ask questions. Often we feel too one-sided, not because of what we actually feel, but because we assume we know how others around us feel, and we are reacting to that ("I know Sally will be mad that I'm home late again…."). Ask; don't assume you know what they think or feel. This is true both personally and professionally.

What else do I need to know?

Lack of balance, that quality of being "off," often revolves around time management skills, client management skills, communication skills, and/or boundary skills. All these can be taught.

Some final thoughts from Jane and Bob….

Forget about trying to achieve the mythical work/life balance. Identify your priorities and make sure they align with the other people in your life who are important. Once this is done, the stress and frustration of trying to achieve work/life balance will disappear.