It's Not Me-It's You


by L Lallone - Date: 2007-01-17 - Word Count: 502 Share This!

You have a busy, full life and very limited time for yourself. You're really clear that you want to keep a positive perspective and surround yourself with positive people. AND you really want some new friends. Maybe you moved to a new city, neighborhood, job... or old relationships have fallen away.

So, you put yourself out there and "date" a new friend. Because it is like dating, right?

But then after a few "dates" a sinking feeling creeps in telling you it's not a good fit. You know this because... when you see the person's name on your caller ID, you put the phone down. It takes you awhile to coordinate plans and when you do get together you make sure that it's for a limited time and over lunch. When you're getting a bunch of friends together, you go to lengths to make sure that person doesn't know about it, but then you feel terribly ashamed.

What do you do? How do you handle "breaking up with" a new friend? Is it even the right thing to do? Can't we all just get along?

Some people are really good at holding their boundaries. They can be direct, honest and upfront about relationships not being a good fit. They don't flounder and squirm like a preschooler or get prickly and sound, well, mean. I'm not one of those people. But I'm trying.

How about you?

I think the belief underneath the muddiness is that "You Should Like Everyone and Everyone Should Like You". In my life I know that this belief was born somewhere in elementary school where it was scary to be isolated and without friends. It was much safer to have everyone on my side. But it's 25 years later and I have different knowledge and skills now. I've gotten much better at not expecting everyone to like me or my work. I can even get excited about someone NOT liking my writing because that would mean that I made some impact. But the same growth isn't true in relationships. I still don't have good practice at - or role models for - being direct and honest when I don't see a good friend fit.

How about you? Do you have good role models? Do we even have any on TV or in the movies?

Or do you fall into the passive pattern that is so disliked in the "real" dating scene - avoidance, creating uncomfortable weirdness, making excuses and not returning phone calls?

What would it be like if we knew that it's simply human nature to have preferences and, given this belief, people's preferences aren't always going to match up? In fact, it's a pretty special thing when people with the same preferences DO match up. What if the focus was on finding those friendship gems? And knowing all this, wouldn't it actually seem selfish and self-important to string not-such-a-good-fit friends along allowing them to think that THEY are the gems?

What are some clear, kind ways that you could tell someone that the friendship didn't feel like a good match?


Related Tags: relationships, break-up, girlfriends, women friends, best friends

With a corporate, coaching and psychology background and a knack for unraveling the mysteries of modern living, Laura Lallone is a writer based in Santa Monica, CA, where she shares her life with her husband Marshall and their dog Bobo. Please visit Laura's (almost) daily blog "Get Out of Jail Free" for insights and questions into the meaning of life and how to do good and feel good on this tiny planet. http://lauralallone.typepad.com.

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