There's been a great deal of publicity lately about the negative effects of divorce on children. Scientific research results vary from studies that conclude children can be seriously damaged to those studies that conclude children tend to be just fine.

For example, research by Dr. Judith Wallerstein has highlighted a small group of children who have shown ongoing problems many years after the divorce of their parents. After successfully completing some of the most comprehensive research into the effects of divorce upon children conducted in the last 4 decades, Dr. Wallerstein concluded that children of divorce are at higher risk than children who grow up in non-divorced homes. Her writings are particularly helpful to parents with children or teens who show signs of difficulty.

Having dealt with many divorced families in a research setting for decades, she is able to give very helpful, specific advice for how to help kids who are troubled by a divorce develop coping skills. Her writings and lectures are also ripe with helpful information about specific things parents can do to minimize damage to their children and older teens, particulary if they are showing signs of stuggling with connections to future romantic partners. Her writings and teaching point to the crucial need for kids to be given a chance to see the positive side of an estranged parent, and not forced to take sides against one parent to please another.

For the most part, much other research shows that many children struggle for a time and then manage to adjust reasonably well and have few related problems in later life.

Effects Of Divorce: Conflict Can Cause Disillusionment

Children exposed to conflict, both in marriage and after divorce, that experience some of the most significant problems. If parents continue fighting after divorce, children may become disillusioned. When parents divorce, most children at least hope the fighting will go away. Many times I have heard children say that they wouldn't mind the divorce so much if their parents would finally learn to get along. After the divorce, children often simply want their parents to act grown up, leave them in peace, and let them love the other parent. Instead, when conflicts worsen and children are left with many wounds.

Prolonged frustration can cause:

* feelings of disillusionment
* feelings of fear
* feelings of insecurity
* feelings of vulnerability
* loyalty conflicts
* a child to become afraid to love both of their parents or to express their love for one parent in front of the other parent

Many of these children become aligned with only one parent so they become less anxious and insecure. This is a factor in alienated children, those children who feel that they can't have a relationship with both parents because they can't handle the stress. Divorced children frequently feel that they have failed or blame themselves when their parents stay in conflict, and they feel even more insecure when they can't prevent the arguments.
Effects Of Divorce: "Splitting"

At its worst, children experiencing intense conflict have to take sides because they can't manage the internal tension and anxiety they feel. For these children, there is a risk of serious psychological regression where they will see one parent as mostly bad and the other parent as mostly good. This psychological "splitting," as it is called, is damaging to children because it reinforces a style in which they view the world in a "black and white" or "all or nothing" way rather than a more balanced view of good and bad in most people.

My experience is that psychological splitting is the most destructive emotional symptom which children might experience as a result of their parents' conflict. This is because it creates more confusion and anxiety in the children.

Behavior from splitting can be shown with:

* regression
* aggression
* withdrawal
* increased insecurity at times of transition between homes, worry, and a reluctance to express affection. embarrassment
* they may daydream a lot
* they may have trouble in school
* A felt responsibility for conflicts
* edgy
* Clingy with one or both parents

In young children, signs of regression can include bedwetting and temper tantrums. School-age children often have difficulty with their school work or they might have fights with peers and become behavior problems in the classroom. By the time a child reaches adolescence, these children are at risk of expressing their wounds with rebelliousness, substance abuse, sexual acting out, and other serious or self-destructive behaviors.

While it is common for parents to blame each other when these symptoms erupt, it is important to recognize that they both are likely to play a role in these difficulties. They need to recognize that both their obvious and not-so-obvious behaviors are likely to be pressuring their children and causing them to feel this way. Blaming and being critical of the other parent make children feel and act worse. It is critical that parents look inward and improve communication with the other parent and the child, reduce their role in the conflict, and to ease the child's transition between homes so that they can be free of the tension which this conflict causes. If they can work toward these goals, the effects of divorce on a child is likely to be mild and the child will hopefully make a healthier adjustment to divorce.