As almost anyone who ever leaves his or her house knows, working with difficult people is a part of life. And how skilled you are at working with difficult people will, to a large extent, determine how successful you are in your career or community.

Surprisingly, most of us have never taken a formal course on working with difficult people or on how to communicate effectively. Usually, we can resolve difficult situations by changing how we react. While there is no one set of rules for working with difficult people, we can learn to understand why people do what they do. Then we can respond effectively to avoid unnecessary conflict.

Following are three principles that will help you in working with difficult people. They aren't tools of manipulation, they are keys to understand people better and learn how to communicate effectively. Be aware, if you want to improve your communication skills, you will most likely have to change at least some of your assumptions about your difficult people.

Working with Difficult People Key #1: Difficult People are Really Just People

You may think you know the person causing you so much heart ache - an ignorant, self centered butt head. No wonder he or she is so hard to work with. You should get a medal for even trying.

Well, consider the concept of working with difficult people from a different angle. The stress you think is forced upon you by some impossible person is really the result of an ineffective two-way relationship. That's right. You're part of it too. And all you can do about it is change your input - your communication skills, how you interpret what they say, how you let the situation make you feel, etc. The solution for you may be as simple as learning to listen better or as drastic as ending the relationship completely.

So remember, before you go blaming someone else for all of your problems, you may be your own most difficult person, not to mention theirs. The good news is this means you have the power to change your situation.

Working with Difficult People Key #2: Really Know Who You're Working With

One of the fallacies that makes working with difficult people so ... difficult is assuming the other person is being irrational. The truth is most people usually act rationally from their own perspective. Conflicts happen when people are either unable or unwilling to look from the other's perspective. The socially healthiest people, those who seem to be able to get along with almost everyone, are those who can see from others' points of view without abandoning their own. They never seem to stress about working with difficult people.

It can seem nearly impossible to understand people who approach life differently from you. But if you can identify what drives them it becomes easy to learn how to communicate effectively.

You may have taken a personality tests before and dismissed it as a ridiculous label. But the truth is you can make real changes in your relationships if you understand what makes other people tick and learning new communication skills. Some of those tests, such as the Hartman Color Code Test, have some very helpful insights.

During a discussion on working with difficult people a couple years ago, one professional told me about a time he was explaining a process to a client. All the client wanted to know was how the services would make him money without listening to all the details. He kept interrupting the presentation to ask questions that would shortly be answered. The presenter recognized the client as a red personality from the color code test.

Finally the presenter said, "I'm going to talk for five more minute. You listen for that long. After that if you have more questions, I'll answer them. Deal?"

The presenter's supervisor was horrified, but the client said "Fine, continue" and didn't interrupt again. There were no anger or hurt feelings, just simple straight forward business talk. The client wanted bullet points, and as soon as the presenter realized the kind of personality he was dealing with he adjusted and the stress was gone.

What you see as being overbearing and insensitive may just be someone's way of making progress. He or she may not even know you are feeling attacked. Often, the best way of working with difficult people is to respond in kind. Don't be rude, just tell it to them like it is; they won't get offended. If you're the one trying to move things forward while everyone else seems to be dragging their feet, you may need to tone it down a little. Spend a little more time listening. Working with difficult people is a two-way street.

Working with Difficult People Key #3: Don't Resort to Animal Instinct

When working with difficult people, it's a tendency for most of us to resort to our fight or flight instinct. We either hide whenever they come around or we prepare for an argument. Neither is an example of how to communicate effectively. Hiding shows you're not even willing to try to communicate. Looking for a fight makes you seem like a troll. Either way you have lost control of the situation.

Next time you find yourself working with difficult people, try using your gift of human reason. This doesn't mean manipulating them. You have to be genuine. Genuinely listen, genuinely examine your own position, and genuinely evaluate what they have to say.

It's just as apparent to your difficult person when you put him off as it is to you that he is insane. You could be the first person in his life to treat him with respect, and he'll return it. Once you have his respect, you can set boundaries. For example, "Ok, you have three minutes to tell me about last night's Lost episode, then we both have to get to work."

The easiest way of working with difficult people is to make them less difficult.

About the Author: Mat Moniker is a writer for Innuity.com and an expert on working with difficult people. To learn more about how you can improve your communication skills working with difficult people or on how to communicate effectively. go to VitalSmarts.com.