Self Improvement Relationships Trusting and Honoring Your Feelings
Feelings are information. Our feelings such as anger, anxiety, depression, and hurt are letting us know that we are telling ourselves something that is not true, or treating ourselves in unloving ways. Our uncomfortable or lonely feelings around another person may be telling us that the other person is being judgmental, needy, angry, blaming or inauthentic.
For example, Sally consulted with me because she often found herself repulsed by her husband's sexual advances. She was confused because she loved Tim very much, and there were times when she was sexually attracted to him. But most of the time she was turned off to him.
"Sally, when Tim approaches you for sex, what is his energy like?"
"Most of the time, I feel like he is pulling on me and demanding something from me. It doesn't feel loving, it feels needy. But when I say something about it to him, he tells me that it us my issue - that he loves me and just wants to express his love. I get so confused."
Sally has a hard time trusting her feelings because her mother was constantly invalidating her feelings as she was growing up. She has the same problem with a neighbor:
"It seems to me that Chelsea is often subtly judging my daughter in front of her, yet when I've said something to her she makes me feel like it's my issue."
"Sally, if you decided to trust and honor your feelings, what would you do differently with Tim and Chelsea?"
"Humm...well, I think I would stop being so tentative and stop judging myself and be firm with them."
"So what would you say to Tim when he is needy with you?"
"I would say, 'Tim, I love you and I am turned on to you when you come to me with your love, but not when you come to me with this empty needy energy.'"
"What would you say to Chelsea?"
"I would say, 'Chelsea, it is not okay to judge my daughter. If you keep doing this, I will not spend time with you.'"
"And what would you say or do if they tried to make it your issue?"
"I think I would say, 'This doesn't feel good,' and then walk away.
"How would you feel if you did this?"
"I would feel great!"
Andrew has a similar issue with his wife Susan. Andrew often feels Susan is being what he calls "not real." "There is something about her that is often inauthentic - like she is being a certain way to get approval from me and from others. I feel smothered by it and I shut down. Then she complains about my withdrawal and about my not wanting to have sex with her. But when I try to explain it to her, she gets angry and defensive and tells me that I have a problem with intimacy."
"Andrew, you are not trusting and honoring your feelings, which does create a problem with intimacy because you withdraw rather than speak your truth. If you were to totally trust your feelings when Susan is being inauthentic and pulling for approval, you would speak your truth instead of withdraw. Susan doesn't know when she is being inauthentic. She is just confused by your withdrawal. If you learn to trust your feelings and honor them by telling your truth, you will likely see much improvement in your relationship."
Andrew was surprised to learn that Susan actually appreciated hearing his truth, and their relationship is gradually improving.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner BondingĀ(r) healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
Related Tags: personal development, self improvement, relationship, self-help, relationship help, effective communication, fear of intimacy
Your Article Search Directory : Find in Articles
Recent articles in this category:
- Bridal Shower Favors: Small Memorabilia for the Party Guests
Most bridal shower hostess consider giving bridal shower favors. Giving out these little tokens have - Simple Ideas to Prepare for the Baby Shower Favors
It is a good gesture to give thanks to the people who came into your baby shower. Aside from sending - Russian Women and the Way to Meet Them
You are just chatting and dating with a number of women only to while away your time. But would you - How Can I Make My Ex Boyfriend Love Me Again - Expert Tips to Win Back the Love of Your Life
If you are asking how can I make my ex boyfriend love me again, you might be asking the wrong questi - Get Him Back by Using Male Psychology - It's Easy When You Know How to Push Your Ex's Hot Buttons
The reason so many women have a hard time getting their boyfriend back after a breakup is not becaus - Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back - The Conditions You Need to Create to Make Her Want You Again
When your girlfriend breaks up with you, it might seem to you that she is gone for good, but usually - The Best Way to Get Him Back When He Needs a Break - Expert Tips to Bring Your Ex Back Fast
If you love your man, you never want to be without him. That is why it is so devastating when he say - Priorities of Russian Women
The world has gone under a dramatic change regarding the equality of men and women starting from the - The Best Way to Contact Your Ex Boyfriend After a Breakup - How to Get Back in His Life
When your boyfriend ends your relationship, all you can think of is getting him back as fast as poss - If You Are Still in Love With Your Ex Boyfriend - Super Effective Tips to Get Him Back in Your Life
When your boyfriend breaks up with you and you still love him, it can be pretty confusing. For one t
Most viewed articles in this category:
- Violence In Intimate Relationships
Are you in an intimate relationship where violence is a part of your exchange? Does one or the other - Resolving Conflicts in Relationships
Differences in relationships are inevitable. The coming together of two people with different needs, - Men, Pay Attention!!!
It's true. You don't want to imagine it but it's going on right under your unsuspecting nose. If you - 5 Dazzling Ways to Make Any Woman Fall In Love With You
""I don't get it!...""I've a nice car. I'm accomplished. My A-List CV make the n - Some Smart 50th Wedding Anniversary Gifts
Have you been together with your spouse for fifty years? If you have, then you are blessed beca - The Ultimate Bridal Challenge: Making Your Wedding Invitations Unique
Let's say you're a break-the-mold kind of bride. Perhaps you're marrying later than your conte - To Date or not to Date: Understanding cultural influences on dating and human relations
Summary: In attempts to better understand dating rituals, and, in turn, better support my best frien - Relationship Advice For Today's People!
Relationship Advice If you are single, dating, or trying to get to "I DO" and spend too much time h - Easy Gift Shopping For Guys
Whether it's Christmas, Valentine's Day, a birthday or another special occasion, it can be a challen - How My Obsession With A Young Woman Improved My Vocabulary
Never before in my life had I experienced anything so emotionally disturbing. I couldn't sleep. I'd