Confusion #3: Confused People Focus on the Negatives
For example, many couples blame their spouse for all the problems in the relationship. It starts out innocently enough. The glow wears off, and she looks at him and says, "Boy, look at that! Is he ever inconsiderate." Or, "She was certainly more interesting when we were dating." Almost always it's something small.
Having heard the thought, the ego gets involved. It does one of two things. It either says, "Well, given the fact that you are a rotten person, you deserve this," (self-blaming) or says, "Yeah. He is a jerk. Remember when he . . ." (blaming the other.)
In either case, they're off to the races. They'll start collecting evidence. Soon, all they'll notice are the negatives.
The question I want you to think about is this: If all you do is list the negatives, what has changed? If all you ever do is list the negatives, and build a case for the negatives, at the end of the day what you have done is construct a world that is totally negative. You're stuck there, feeling miserable, and have actually accomplished nothing. Yet, everyone has an area of their life where just the opposite is true, where you can easily see positives.
For example, perhaps when it comes to work projects, you're elegant. You see a problem, identify it, define it, and then spit out reams of possible solutions. In your personal life, however, you simply make lists of your partner's failures. The solution is obvious: Identify what works and what doesn't. Polish what works in other areas of your life and transport those skills and abilities to what doesn't. If you resolve business problems with the greatest of ease, do you really think that the same skill won't work in your personal life?
This week's exercise: Can you think of an area in your life that "works?" What skills and understandings do you routinely use successfully? What would it be like to transport them to areas of conflict?
Related Tags: communication, zen
Wayne C. Allen, M.Th is a psychotherapist, and author. His latest book, THIS ENDLESS MOMENT, is rooted in Zen-based approaches to self-responsibility. http://www.phoenixcentre.com/press/endless_moment/index.htm
Your Article Search Directory : Find in ArticlesRecent articles in this category:
- Seeing Things As We Are - The Power of Your Worldview
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." -Anaîs NinDriving home from the pool after - Freedom Begins With The Act Of Forgiveness
I can imagine the thoughts and feelings that may rise up in reading this title, butbefore you judge - Power Within
External circumstances keep us bracing for calamities. Prices keep going up and our bank account kee - Three Secrets to Assure Success in Anything
Gratitude, Goal, ActionIn all conditions, whether of a financial, health, relationship or emotional - The Baroque Exercise
To be precise, exacting and clear, let us together explore the symphony of the healthy human body. A - The Power Of Your Words Produce Life Or Death
Your words empower you or they disempower you. Your words heal you or they cut you. Your words buil - Anyone Can Tell You Why It Won't Work; Find Out Why It Will
If you wanted to have the tallest building in your town, there are two basic ways of approaching you - Short Sleeves Insights - I Am A Cornerstone!
"Show to me the stone which the builders have rejected. That one is the cornerstone." That's from th - Top Ten Tips - Gaining Confidence
Oozing with confidence is not something that comes naturally to everyone; however it is something th - The Number One Key To Success and Happiness-Attitude
There is no greater factor in your own success then your own Attitude. Sounds simple, right? Actua
Most viewed articles in this category:
- Maintaining Gratitude
I recently wrote an article about the importance of incorporating affirmations into your routine - p - How Do I Love Myself When I Feel Like Crap?
Many people see my constant, happy smile and make instant assumptions about me and my past. However, - Self Acceptance and Acknowledgment of Achievements, Self Confidence Here I Come! (I hope ?)
As an artist who questions herself on an hourly basis, "Is this the right direction? Is this good? A - The Power of Gratitude
In a polite society we say "thank you" after we receive a gift. While that is nice, it it not exact - So You Don't Have An Attitude?
Do you continually find yourself in a situation the can be termed boring?What about that term "there - The Power of Self Talk
This can often be a difficult task to deploy, especially when you consider we live in a world where - Bossitive Attitude! How About Your Boss?
Boss - the four letter word which inspires, motivates, demotivates, frightens, depresses the employe - Overcoming Doubt
Overcoming doubt is easy, if you don't doubt it, of course. However, most of us entertain an elemen - Positive Thinking Every Day
Did you know that you have more influence in your own life than any other person? Your thoughts are - Learn How to Say Yes
With the very busy lives we all lead these days, it's no wonder that so many of us are trying to lea