I've noticed that most people truly believe they do communicate well. It reminds me of how people think they drive. Nearly everyone seems to think they are an excellent driver. Hmmm. If you spend much time driving around in cities and on freeways or highways, you know that just isn't quite true!

There is a long, long list of things people commonly do very poorly in their communications with others. You will recognize whether or not you could use help with communication skills as you read on. Answers to the following questions will be quite revealing about your own communication awareness.

1. When in conversation with someone are you spending more of your time in planning your response than listening fully to what the other person is saying?

2. Do you have a problem with "dead air"? Do you jump in with comments of your own when someone is pausing to think of how to express a particular thing or feeling? Putting words in their mouths?

3. Do you allow your thoughts to wander off instead of maintaining focused attention on the words and feelings of another?

4. Do you show that you aren't all that interested by glancing at the clock, flipping TV channels, or anything else that clearly indicates you are distracted?

5. Do you let your body language show disinterest? (Being half turned away from the person, having your arms crossed, fidgeting, and so on.) Having your arms crossed in front of you is a signal that you are closed off. You might also be listening with hands clasped behind your head while you lean back. That can come across as placing yourself in a position of superiority. You must be aware and careful of what you are not saying.

6. Do you sit squarely and lean in a little, expressing attention and interest? Don't crowd. Let them have their space.

7. Do you feel the need to monopolize the conversation by telling the other person about the tough times you've had, about your life story instead of allowing them to tell you theirs?

8. Are your words encouraging, complimentary, centered on the other person - or on yourself and your opinions?

9. Are you embarrassed to ask questions to be sure you understand what the other person is getting at? Do you want to let them think you understand everything completely - even if you don't?

10. Are you busy trying to think of solutions rather than allowing and encouraging the other person to think things through for themselves?

11. Are you reflecting your understanding of the conversation, so that you will both remain on track? If not, you could be making assumptions and going off in all different mental directions except the real core of the matter.

12. Are you too quick to give advice? Are you annoyed if the other person doesn't follow your advice? Be there for them, but let them find their own way.

That's enough. You have plenty of food for thought with just those twelve questions. Did you pass the communications road test?

As opposed to stating opinions and giving advice, it IS absolutely appropriate for you to call upon your life experience to share what you have learned. Almost regardless of the situation your friend or family member might be in, you most likely have had a time when your feelings were the same as he or she is experiencing now. This is the foundation of empathy.

How you got through your situation, how you dealt with your emotions - these are useful tidbits of information that can help the other person. It establishes a sense of common ground and helps to create the belief that the problem actually can have a positive conclusion.

By all means, explore some solutions together - but, remember not to fall into the trap of trying to be the "fixer". You're not. You're just the listener, and perhaps a helper simply by giving attention and validation to the other person's feelings.

Many years ago, I learned a little pearl of wisdom that will never leave me: "Listen to everyone's advice and opinions, then go and follow your inner guidance, for it alone, contains the kernels of truth from all sources."

Bear this in mind when you communicate with someone. It would be foolish to expect that he or she should follow your advice. Give of your truth - but know that people have their own truth to find.

Copyright © 2006. Sylvia MacKenzie. All Rights Reserved.