Approach Without Nervousness

by Dennis Neder - Date: 2007-09-21 - Word Count: 1134 Share This!

Dear Dr. Neder:

How do I approach this girl again without acting nervous?

There's this really beautiful girl that I like at school (college) one day when I was in the library I noticed her looking at me so I looked at her and we stared at each other for a pretty long time (maybe 5 seconds, plus we were 3 feet apart) until I broke away. Then I looked back at her and she looked at me again (2 sec) I broke away again (the reason why I did not talk to her then is because I was caught of guard and I was in a rush). Ever since then I've been crazy about her. She was in my class and I started getting a vibe that she may like me too. So one day I approached her on a whim when she was with her friend instead of when she was alone and it didn't go very well I didn't stutter but I looked nervous and I asked their names but forgot to give mine. It seemed as if she was not interested or maybe she was turned off by my nervous attitude. Well, now amazingly this semester she is in another one of my classes and I'm getting this same vibe that she may be interested because she glanced at me a couple times in class and before class these past weeks.

My question: what I do, say, in order to successfully get her number, ask her out. Plus what would you suggest I do to approach her with confidence or without being nervous (remember she is really beautiful).

Let's start with the mistakes. I'm not doing this to erode your confidence; I want you to see these so that you get them corrected. Knowledge really is power and power is confidence.

Eye contact is a very importantly flirting mechanism. When it's held for a little bit too long; especially when combined with other body-language signals, it's a great indicator that you need to do something about it. However, we humans have our rules and the most important rule about eye contact is that they guy should NEVER be the first one to break it! You absolutely MUST hold it until SHE breaks it - and then watch how she does so.

If she just looks straight away, it's a sign that she was just looking for threats, not dates. However if she looks down and to the side, that's a very good indication. When you (as the guy) look away, you're yelling at her that you're afraid of her. You tell her that you lack confidence and masculinity. Obviously, that's not good.

Multiple eye contacts that are held just a little too long are very good indicators too, but you have a limited number of them to work with. By the second one, you need to be on your feet and moving to say hello. The third one is more of a scream "Hey! Get over here!" The fourth is a plea and the fifth is a warning "Ok, you had your chance Bub!"

Now, keep in mind that these connections don't always come when you're most ready for them or when things are the easiest. In fact, that is rarely the case. Instead, YOU have to be ready to move when you have the chance. That's why you need to ingrain this as a habit. If you waste your opportunities, they'll stop coming around for you. It's a law of nature. Even if you have a good excuse for them!

Interestingly, it's NOT a big issue to approach a girl when she's with one or more friends, you just have to do it right. What you did was ask them both their names, a very good thing. The mistake was that you didn't have context for your approach - a reason. You just wanted to say "hi". Once you did that, you had no where to go. Further, they weren't intrigued with you approach and never bothered to ASK for your name! That would have been a good sign of interest.

The best way to approach a group is to engage everyone OTHER than your target at first. Not only does this help to take the pressure off of you, but it'll give her something to shoot for and even better, the friend(s) won't turn around and take your target away from you.

There's a ton more and as you can see this is something of a science. I strongly encourage you to read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" for a bunch more on the approach, pick-up, close and every other aspect of the game, but this will give you the tip of the iceberg.

Ok, let's get to your approach.

First of all, you need to compose yourself. You're letting this girl's looks dictate your comfort. That's a very bad thing. It's like falling in love before you even know her. Trust me, she's nice to look at, but she's just as dorky and strange as anyone else you know. Don't be swayed by her looks or you'll lose all your power.

Since you and she have class together, that now becomes your context for the approach. Either before or after class, you can walk up to her confidently and say, "Hey [her name]. How ya' doin?" She responds. Next, you can say "What did you think about [the class/assignment/teacher/etc.]?" Basically, anything in CONTEXT to how you're associated. The point here is to get her to start talking.

Don't ask her "yes/no" types of questions. Ask her something where she has to actually talk. Go to my website ( and read my FAQ's under "self help" for more on "open ended questions" ("OEQ's").

As you start the conversation going, listen intently which will give you even more material for more OEQ's. In fact, this is a great technique to carry for entire dates!

After about 3-5 minutes, just say, "You know it was nice talking to you, but I have to get going. Here, write down your phone number and I'll call you some time so we can do it again." Then, hand her a pen and paper (don't figit around looking for them - have them ready!)

Also, don't ASK her "Can I have your number?" That's weak and a total waste of your time. TELL HER what you want her to do. "...write down your number..."

Ultimately, you want to learn how this game is played so that you can handle it in any situation.

Best regards...
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: Check out the discussion group at:

Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Related Tags: dating, shy, nervous, approach, open-ended question

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