Never, since Franklin D. Roosevelt and Winston Churchill has the United States of America, and the rest of the world, faced such a bewildering and potentially catastrophic wall of threats. Furthermore, this time around, it is not only human veniality and egoism that menaces humanity; there is also human stupidity and greed fueling an environmental disaster.

But, there is hope.

The most influential country on the planet is opting out eight years of grotesque cynicism and failure, and opting for change.

The US of A. In case you hadn't heard, she is in the process of electing a new president.

Phew. That's a load off.

Or is it?

Here we have two fellers and their chosen bag persons, vying to become el Big Cheeses, with key to the White House backdoor, and to do anything they desire in the Oval Office. "Bomb Saturn!" "Yessir!" "Eliminate the French!" "Put Putin in Guantamano!" "Yessir!" "Get me on Oprah!" "Yessir!" "Homosexuality does not exist!""Yessir, I mean, nossir!" "Get me Paris Hilton's phone number!" "I already have it sir!" "Bring me a Big Mac with fries!" "Yessir!"

These are the Big Cheeses who will be responsible not only for the button that triggers an apocalyptic war, but also for the well-being, hopes and prosperity of their fellow Americans and, by extension, for the well-being, hopes and, in all too many cases, the life or death of many millions around the world.

Those elected will assume an awesome power. Awesome responsibilities. Awesome means to change the course of humankind. In some respects, they will inherit the nearest thing on a secular planet to God.

OK. So you got it. We're talking wide-screen Rambo here. But what are these super beings up to right now?

I'll tell you what they are up to. "A pit bull with lipstick." "A pig with lipstick." is what they're up to. Can't agree on prime time if the wife and he agree on things. A heartbeat away not knowing whether Kandahar is a suburb of Baltimore or Philadelphia. Taking vacations in Hawaii while thousands are repossessed. Bridges to nowhere. Earmarks, for crying out loud.

I mean, talk about fiddling while Rome burns.

Instead of a tarted-up pit bull, how about some realistic, workable, down-to-earth ideas about, for instance: Making America Great and Respected Again- with Lipstick? Healthcare for Everyone- with or without Goddamn lipstick? Finding Osama bin Laden- with Lipstick? Bringing Jobs Back Home- with Glossy Lipstick? Doing Something About Energy- with Pale PÃ(r)nk Lipstick? And What About the Environment, you Bozos- with Green Lipstick?

Etcetera, ad nauseum.

But no. They mess around like they're night editors for the National Enquirer or Hustler Magazine, shimmying from one sleazy sound-bite to the next, desperately seeking their opponent's sexual peccadilloes, earmarks, all the while insulting canines and our intelligence.

As Chili Palmer said in Get Shorty, "c'mon. You can do better'n that."

They've been at it, getting themselves elected, for seems like eons. They've been on prime time, they've been on late shows, they've been in front of thousands in Denver CO, Saint Paul MN, and Berlin GMY.

As Chili Palmer said in Get Shorty, "c'mon. You can do better'n that."