This is your realtor writing to you to request a few trifling favors in order to sell your house.  Please be advised that, although this are merely requests, it may behoove you to acquiesce to them, for the sake of your home’s future sale.

1. When I say that your house will probably sell for such-and-such a price, please believe me.  I am not doing this to conclude a long-standing vendetta the gods have against you, nor am I trying to curtail my commission on this sale.  I am making my decision based on the market trends in your neighborhood and the sale price of similar homes in the area.  I am not doing this to hurt you or because I don’t appreciate the hand-carved marble steps leading to your front door.

2. Yes, I have a cell phone.  It is a means of communication, not a leash.  While I am pleased to communicate with you about your home, it is less efficient to call me at 1 AM because you have heard of a house practically the same as yours that sold for $27,000 more than what your home is listed for.  There is nothing I can do at 1 AM about this and there is probably a good reason why that house sold for more.  It may have to do with the fact that said home is in a better area, in better repair and has people who are willing to let their agent work for them instead of calling them at all hours.

3. While one’s home is one’s castle, and I certainly encourage you to spread your personality around in your future residence, please be aware that buyers are not necessarily struck with joyous awe at beholding the evidence of your sexual proclivities, your collection of Nazi memorabilia, your taxidermied pets and/or your home butchering operation.  Make an attempt at removing these items from view, as potential buyers may come to unfavorable conclusions about the house and the neighborhood.

4. It is certainly hectic to run a household full of children/dogs/a breeding colony of Amazonian peccaries and I sympathize heartily with you.  However, please consider cleaning up after them and clean your property to the point where prospective buyers may step without fear upon the grass and in the house.  An encounter with animal dung or an unfortunately placed roller skate can have a detrimental effect upon buyers.

5. On the above:  While children and pets are a wonderful addition to your lifestyle and I envy you and your charming family, I must adjure you to get them out of the house when buyers come through.  Many buyers are not as enamored of pets as you are, your dog’s enthusiastic greetings and your children’s distracting, though angelic, antics do not help the overall impression of your home.

6. I realize that no one knows your home like you do, but please don’t feel that it is your duty to stay home and “help” me sell your house.  As much as I appreciate your enthusiasm, it will hinder more than it aids me, especially when you assure the buyer that it won’t take more than 2 grand to repair the sagging roof on the boathouse.

7. It would be a matter of great pleasure to me if, at the successful conclusion of our dealings together, you didn’t lament the commission you cheerfully agreed upon at the beginning of our business relationship.  After all the paperwork, the time in the car, the showings, the weeding out of unserious and impecunious buyers, more paperwork and the time taken with all the people involved in closing, it may be understandable to some that I am less than thrilled to hear that I am being unreasonable in charging the percentage that I have.

I hope that you will take these hints to heart, as it will greatly improve our working relationship and the likelihood that you will sell your house for a fair price.

Sincerely,

Your Real Estate Agent.

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