The Greatest Misunderstanding In Every Struggling Marriage...and What You Can Do About It
Ever wonder what went wrong in your marriage? Do you and your spouse seem to speak different "languages"?
Today I'm going to teach you how to "translate" your spouse's "Love Language". I will also be discussing the OPPOSITE of the 5 Love Languages.
(Sometimes it's just easier to identify with the negatives, than it is the positive.)
For instance, if your spouse wants "acts of service", but all you're doing to show you care is giving your spouse "words of affirmation" like "I love you", you are NOT making the situation any better.
If anything, you're making it even WORSE.
In your spouse's mind they're thinking, "Yeah, if you loved me, you would pick up around the house for once, instead of making me do it all the time!".
So keep reading and try to fulfill just ONE of your spouse's Love Languages.
When your marriage has reached it's lowest point, sometimes little things can make a BIG difference.
The term "Love Language" was actually coined by Gary Chapman who wrote the book, "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate".
Understanding your spouse's love language can help you understand exactly what you must to do to meet your spouse's needs. The goal of this article is to make you aware of things you are doing in your marriage that might be pushing your spouse further and further away from you.
A common mistake couples make is treating their spouse the way that THEY want to be treated!
Understanding the 5 Love Languages can help you avoid making this mistake!
Gary Chapman gives you practical advice on marriage by making it easy for you to communicate what you need from your spouse to feel loved…and what they need from you!
When I first read this book, I applied what I learned to my marriage. When I discovered what made my wife feel loved…I was SHOCKED!
She wanted "acts of service" of all things! I thought that since I liked "words of affirmation"…that she would too! I hated doing "acts of service" (a.k.a. chores around the house, gardening and repairs) and that's exactly why I wasn't meeting her needs!
I didn't realize what I was doing wrong until learned about the 5 Love Languages.
But let me back up for a second....
Let me first define the 5 love languages for you:
1. Acts of service:
To fulfill this love language, you would do "services" for your spouse such as vacuuming, dusting, or shoveling snow. But you must do these acts with a positive attitude to make them count.
2. Words of affirmation:
If words of affirmation is your spouse's love language, then saying nice things to your spouse would fulfill this need. For example, you could say something simple like "you look nice today" or "dinner tasted great tonight". (But keep in mind, it must be sincere and meaningful.)
3. Quality time
This is one love language that can be EASILY neglected. With our busy lives, we sometimes get so caught up with the kids, jobs or other activities that we don't spend enough quality time with our spouse. If you're not sure what quality time means to your spouse, then ask. For some it may be sitting together watching movies, for others this may require eliminating outside distractions like TV's or other media.
If your spouse chooses gifts as one of their top love languages, but you're struggling financially, don't worry. These gifts don't need to be extravagant....or even cost money for that matter. For many people that require gifts, something simple like a fresh bouquet of wild flowers from outside or a home-made card would fulfill this need. The real meaning behind gifts is not materialistic in nature at all. Simply the fact that you're thinking about your spouse is what makes them feel wanted and fulfilled.
5. Physical Touch:
If you came from a home where your parents were not very affectionate with each other, physical touch can easily become an issue in your marriage. Things like holding hands, small pecks on the cheek or a back rub would meet this need for your spouse.
Now that you know what the 5 love languages are, you may not even need to ask your spouse which ones are most important to him or her. If you look closely at the biggest issues in your marriage right now, it will probably become obvious to you which issues are in fact causing problems between you.
Let's See What it would look like if you were NOT fulfilling any of the 5 Love Languages...
Not Fulfilling Acts of service: Lazy, or too busy to help out with chores around the house or with the kids.
Not Fulfilling Words of affirmation: Complaining/nagging - not approving of your spouse's actions.
Not Fulfilling Quality time: Busy all the time- putting other obligations ahead of your spouse.
Not Fulfilling Gifts: Never thinking about your spouse when you're away - never doing thoughtful things for your spouse.
Not Fulfilling Physical Touch: Cold and distant, not affectionate at all.
Now maybe you think it's too late to repair your marriage, or to start fulfilling your spouse's needs..
Perhaps your spouse has already filed for divorce...or moved out of your home. If this is the case, all hope may not be lost.
Do any of these "opposite love languages" sound familiar? If they do, look above to their counterpart to start meeting that language.
Or you can get a copy of Gary's book for yourself here: http://www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com/gary.html to get the whole story.
Now maybe you think it's too late to repair your marriage, or to start fulfilling your spouse's needs. Perhaps your spouse has already filed for divorce...or moved out of your home.
If this is the case, all hope may not be lost. I offer a free, 30 minute consultation through my Second Chance program to help you find out if there's still hope for your marriage.
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