How does one identify a failing marriage?

When chronic unhappiness has set in and there seems to be no relief in sight, when understanding among the couple seems a distant dream, when bitterness has pervaded the relationship - these are sure signs that the marriage is beyond redemption.

What are the indications that show a marriage is heading to splitsville? "Divorce seems the only solution when criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling - become the standard practices in fights between spouses." ~ Gottman ~

What should be just a general complaint about specific behaviour, degenerates into a criticism of each other' personalities. Soon, contempt becomes a regular feature of the fights and this only invites defensiveness in each.

An interesting fact is that men tend to be more emotionally reactive than women during a marital fight. The husband also takes refuge in stonewalling and he does this to see that he does not succumb to an emotional flooding. But his wife interprets this differently - she sees his withdrawal as a sure sign that he has simply ceased caring for her, and has reached a stage when whatever she says or does just doesn't matter to him any more.

The final straw on the camel's back is when the couple begin to have negative thoughts about each other's personalities rather than about the situations. For example, instead of thinking that he has had a bad day at office and sympathising with him, she might just think of him as a miserable so and so who just can't do anything right. It is these and other such beliefs about each other's basic personality traits that often create a sense that there are aspects about the marriage that simply cannot be changed.

Do you, dear reader, think you have read about your marriage in this article and have started to get worried as a result? I would say that you are not to get unduly perturbed! After all, you have recognised the fact that your marriage is slipping towards a separation or even a divorce, and surely that is half way to trying to save your marriage!

For this, the experts recommend that you go about it in a planned manner. As a beginning, just pull yourself together when your fights are getting too intense. Calm yourself down. Remember that when you are in a highly emotional state, you are not listening to what your spouse has to say, and nor can you cannot think clearly. At this stage, you have to challenge those negative thoughts about your spouse's personality that are in the forefront and at the same time banish the thought that your marriage cannot be saved.

Never get on the defensive with your spouse and you will find that communication will improve. Always try and see the situation from your spouse's point of view and then express your opinion without any character assassination. When you give signals that you are trying to understand the other's point of view though you may disagree with it, you will be sending positive signals to your spouse that you are not being unreasonable after all.

As a final point, we cannot stress the importance of trying again and again and not giving up easily. It will be difficult, especially where two strong personalities are concerned, but remember that improving a failing marriage takes much less energy than going through the heartache of a divorce will!