Hidden Stages in a Relationship (1)


by Elaine Sihera - Date: 2007-04-08 - Word Count: 648 Share This!

Without exception, all relationships have stages. Even though everyone is unique, there is enough consistency in human action to demonstrate noticeable patterns in behaviour. It is difficult to put a time frame on their evolution, because that depends mainly on the confidence, maturity and aspirations of the people involved, but relationships have, broadly speaking, three stages: honeymoon, disillusionment and accommodation. Although more subtle ones have been uncovered, these three major stages apply in a consistent globalised pattern and, no matter what form they take, it is our expectations which define their outcome. If not fulfilled, this fourth invisible force, which is dictated by our perception, tends to be the eventual killer of the best partnerships.

Being closely allied to achievement, expectation is not only more self-centred in its influence, it also affects the level of commitment brought by both parties and controls every aspect of behaviour in the partnership. For instance, 50 or 60 years ago, most people married with the expectation that their relationship would last a lifetime, hence the vow of 'For better or worse, till death us do part' - a commitment that was usually binding, and maintained regardless of the personal cost. This expectation was reinforced by a society which ostracised divorced partners and often stigmatised their children too. However, the expectations of those times have changed significantly. Despite the rising divorce statistics, most people still look at marriage as a long-term, if not a lifetime, relationship, and few expect it to end in divorce. Most are also aware that, if all else fails, they can terminate the relationship without suffering the social consequences of yesteryear. These days it's the financial consequences which usually carry the sting.

As we all know, couples do not simply marry and live happily ever after, though we all wish that to be the case. Relationships evolve naturally, most passing from a state of euphoria to uncomfortable tension over the course of time. Influenced by life transitions such as childbirth, career achievement, retirement and ageing, each stage presents special challenges which threaten to undermine the union. But the biggest problem with any relationship is the overriding expectation that the chosen one will fulfil all our needs, be everything we desire and help us to be a success in our lives.

Exchanging Ideas and Information
However, individual happiness and development are our responsibility and it is not long before the truth is out and disillusionment sets in. Award winning author, Darryl James, echoes this point. "Unfortunately, many people believe that a relationship is all about finding someone to give you what you want," he said, "but a relationship is about an exchange of ideas and information; the exchanging of bits and pieces of each individual to form a sense of oneness."

So what has happened to change relationships from certainty to uncertainty?

Apart from key factors like the sexual revolution, the advancement of women both in the workplace and in government, the increase in financial independence and changes in institutional policies etc., the universal common denominator in behaviour, and the catalyst for changes in attitude to relationships, are the expectations within them. What makes expectation such a significant force is the way it dictates your attitude toward your partner and determines your treatment of him, while making you impotent in controlling his expectation of you.

Expectations reflect desires. When you live by yourself, you can fulfil your expectations easily as fulfillment does not depend upon someone else. But in any relationship there is a mutual sharing of love and you cannot determine how your partner will share that love with you. Her/His expectation is always a mystery, yet it is the biggest decider of the direction the union will take. In living with a partner, you not only have two sets of expectations to take into account, you also have to contemplate how each of your partner's reaction to those expectations will impact upon the relationship itself.  


Related Tags: relationships, love, commitment, expectations, competition, sharing, stages, aspirations, disillusion

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah -http://www.ecademy.com/user/elainesihera and http://www.myspace.com/elaineone) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a Personal Empowerment, Relationships and Diversity Consultant. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"

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