It's Not Why You Argue, But How You Argue


by Glenn Cohen - Date: 2007-01-07 - Word Count: 521 Share This!

All couples fight; this is a normal part of a relationship. However, be aware that the importance of the fight is not about the issue. Instead, how you go about the business of fighting and arguing is what makes all the difference.

In order to Co-Create a Conscious Relationship, you must treat each other with respect and have a safe, honest, peaceful, respectful, and loving discussion. If you already do - at all times -- stop reading this article and enjoy your relationship. If not, continue reading to see if you can have an intense argument but still end the fight with safe, positive, loving feelings intact.

If an argument grows out of control, can you stop the battle and break the negative state? Can you calm yourself, return to your positive state, and finish the discussion in a safe, loving, and respectful manner? Or do you continue down the path of disappointment, frustration, defensiveness, resentment, contempt, and anger, thus entering the Cycle of Conflict?

For example, Tom and Sue have a discussion that turns into the "same old argument" about his working too much. Tom gets defensive and starts to degrade Sue - she doesn't have a job, she should be grateful for all they have, he is only doing what is best for the family, etc. Sue reacts by berating him about not being there for the kids, and the like. Tom starts to yell - about anything and everything - and nothing is solved. Tom and Sue need to learn how to have this same old argument once and for all.

When in the throws of conflict, one or both of the partners must find a way to break the state, and do something to stop the cycle of toxic words and actions, thereby diffusing the negative energy. This one action alone can make or break a relationship. Breaking the negative state and stopping the conflict prevents overwhelming negative feelings that create an emotional gorge in the relationship. Sue could simply hold out her hand - a signal that she recognizes they are out of control. Tom understands the gesture, for he has used it as well. This first step breaks the state that often leads them to conflict. It is the first step necessary to end the cycle of conflict.

The second step is to self-soothe and calm down. Tom takes five deep breaths, and Sue closes her eyes and visualizes her favorite spot on the beach. The third and most critical step is to break the state of mind. If conflict has been frequent and intense, they have all the more reason to turn the tide of negativism before it drowns out all the positive feelings in the relationship. They each see that they had a part in this debacle, and want to rectify it. They come back together in a calmer, positive state to continue the discussion and arrive at a mutual compromise.

The last step is true forgiveness. We must be tolerant of each other's limitations and remember we are all fallible, human and deserve forgiveness. Through true forgiveness we can stop the endless recycling of negative energy and look upon others and ourselves with love.


Related Tags: marriage, communication, couples, passion, conflict, relationship.love

Glenn Cohen is the author of the dynamic new book,
The Journey from "I-TO-WE"™

If you would like a FREE introductory session
and to explore engaging Glenn in coaching services,
or for speaking engagements, seminars, or workshops,
contact him at http://i-to-we-relationship-coaching.com

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