The 'First' Thing You Need to Know About a Happy Marriage


by Shlomo Slatkin - Date: 2006-12-10 - Word Count: 839 Share This!

Do you remember when you were newly married? It may have been the happiest time of your life. You were full of positive feelings for your spouse. Your joy and appreciation knew no bounds. What happened? The natural anesthesia that G-d used to bring you together wore away and you started to see things a bit differently. Reality set in, life became more complicated, and the challenge of living with an "other" began to stir up a whole range of feelings and reactions. While directly working on these current frustrations is the topic of another article, I think it would be wise to learn a lesson from the beginning of your life together.

If you are able to remember the beginning of your tenaim, you will notice that Hashem is referred to as HaMagid mei'reishis acharis, "the One who foretells the outcome from the beginning" (based on Yeshaya 46:10). The word magid, foretell, also has the connotation of hamshacha, drawing down or bringing forth. We can literally drawn down, or create, the outcome from the beginning. Whether it is the beginning of the year, Rosh HaShana, or the beginning of a relationship, they all have the quality of reishis, the ability to affect the subsequent outcome.

Every year as we approach Rosh Hashana, we read about another reishis, the mitzvah of Bikurim (Devarim 26:1-11). Hashem commands us to bring our first ripened fruits to the Beis haMikdash as a gift to the Kohen, and to make a declaration, expressing gratitude to Hashem for bringing us to Eretz Yisroel. What quality of reishis does Bikurim possess that leaves a long lasting effect?

One of the things that distinguishes Bikurim from other 'firsts' such as Terumah is that it requires shir, song (Bikurim 2:4). What is the source for this song? After the declaration of gratitude to Hashem the Torah says v'samachta b'col hatov asher nasan l'cha Hashem Elokecha, "you shall rejoice with all of the good that Hashem has given you." What does it mean to "rejoice with all of the good?" The Gemara (Arachin 11a) learns that this "good" is the avodah of shira. Song is referred to as an avodah that embodies joy and good heartedness.

The joy expressed through song when bringing Bikurim is an overflow of appreciation for Hashem. The Piacetzner Rebbe (Chovas haTalmidim, essay 2:2 in the back of the sefer) explains that shira is not a description of Hashem's greatness, which we are forbidden to add on to (Berachos 33b); rather an expression of the unexpressable, a revelation of the deepest feelings of our soul. This expression of praise is unlimited.

It is clear when a chasson and kallah date and get engaged, even in the beginning of marriage, there is an unparalleled amount of joy and appreciation for each other. There is a newness, a feeling of reishis in the relationship. The job from here on out is to be magid mei'reishis acharis, to draw upon these feelings and to allow them to permeate your entire life together. To build your relationship upon all of the positive feelings you have for each other and to continue to inject the spirit of gratitude and appreciation for each other throughout your marriage.

Yet, inevitably, these feelings of reishis start to wear away. Nevertheless, remember that you can always return to that place. When you continue to remember the good things about each other and verbally express appreciation (as the ikar shira is b'peh) you can infuse your relationship with positive energy, the energy of shira, of song from the depths of your experience.

I cannot tell you how important this is with couples. Unfortunately, years of negative energy, complaints, and resentment pile up and block the channels of connection. When I see couples, I always open up the session with appreciations. Each spouse is invited to share something that they appreciate about the other. While we may say thank you to each other throughout the day, this exercise teaches couples to become cognizant of their appreciation for each other and to develop into appreciative people. Rashi (Devarim 26:3 s.v. v'amarta eilav) explains that when we bring Bikurim we declare that we have "come to Eretz Yisroel" in order to show that we are not ingrates. The Maharal of Prague (Gur Areyeh, ibid) explains that even though it is obvious that the person bringing Bikurim has come to Eretz Yisroel, as he is at the Beis HaMikdash, it is still necessary to express appreciation and not take for granted G-d's gifts.

This spirit of appreciation injects a positive energy into a relationship, infusing it with the quality of reishis that they experienced in the beginning. When I open the session with appreciations, a shift occurs. The tense atmosphere suddenly dissipates and greater facilitates dealing with current relationship issues in a spirit of connection rather than that of conflict.

Next time you see a chasson and kallah and wonder what has happened to your relationship, remember that you too can return to that joyous time of reishis by expressing appreciation and cultivating the attitude of gratitude.


Related Tags: relationship, effectiveness, marriage counseling, couples counseling, efficacy, happy marriage

Rabbi Slatkin is a Licensed Graduate Professional Counselor and a certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist in practice with Pastoral Counseling and Consultation Centers of Greater Washington, serving clients in the Baltimore metropolitan area. He works with couples and families and is available for lectures and seminars on the spiritual journey of relationships. Take advantage of the free happy marriage tips on our website at http://www.jewishmarriagecounseling.com

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