We all know about the infamous Typhoid Mary who avoided soap and water like the plague, if you pardon the pun. Anyway, Mary's lack of hygiene raised havoc in New York in the early 1900's.

Well, in my family we have a Typhoid Tim. I chose the word Tim so that my relative could remain somewhat anonymous, and also because of the nice alliteration…Typhoid Tim, nice isn't it? Our Typhoid Tim is a handwashing outlaw and worse. Yes, he baths regularly, but his habits around the kitchen would be enough to make Mary Mallon blush.

Fingers That Reach Out and Touch

Our Typhoid Tim never met a food he couldn't contaminate. As Typhoid Tim passes though the kitchen his fingers dart out and plunge into any food under preparation or left unguarded on a plate. The word "finger-food" has a whole new meaning to our Typhoid Tim. All food is fair game!

Once at a clan gathering someone came around with a tray of hors' d' oeurves . This gourmet display of delectable food was covered with a clear piece of cellophane. You had to discreetly uncover it and stab what you wanted with a toothpick. Typhoid Tim reached under the cellophane and tapped on the top of all the hors' d' oeurves like he was playing a piano! The hors deourves became his keyboard as he talked to the server. Yum! Pass the tray, please.

If you have a basket of rolls, or a bag of cookies, Typhoid Tim feels compelled to touch each and every indiviual roll, and cookie befoe choosing the one he is about to eat. As for a can of nuts, he plunges his fingers right to the bottom, fishes around and drags out a few leaving who knows what behind. (Actually, many people do this, not just Typhoid Tim.)

Double Dipping

Double dipping? Our Typhoid Tim invented it. If you keep a watchful eye on him, you will catch him taking his fork out of his mouth and dipping it directly into the serving dish of mashed potatoes. Anyone want seconds?

We have all heard of those people who get up in the middle of the night, raid the refrigerator, and then drink directly out of the container be it milk or soda, and then slyly place the container back in place. I asked Typhoid Tim if he had this nocturnal habit. His response was a no comment along with a mea culpa smile.

Underwear in Microwave

Typhoid Tim recently did something I had never seen before. He placed a young child's underwear in the microwave! He came marching into the kitchen brandishing the underwear in one hand while reaching for something to eat with the other. He then went directly to the microwave, tossed in the underwear, and casually set the timer. No, he hadn't confused the microwave with the washing machine. His response to the shocked observers was, "Hey, they are clean. They just came out of the wash." You see, he wanted to dry them! ( Of course the damage here is mostly psychological.)

Sick Often in Winter

I would be remiss not to mention that Typhoid Tim is sick more often than most people during the winter months. It seems that every cold, every virus, and every diarrhea causing bug comes his way. Maybe a rocket scientist could figure out the reason why!