There has been much in the media lately about teens doing dangerous/harmful things. The common denominator is the shock of parents who didn't know their child was doing whatever it is that got her/him into trouble.

With the 21st century warp speed at which many families go, one thing sacrificed is parental capacity to see subtle changes in their teen's behavior/attitudes. So, if you are the parent of a teen, here's your check-list of warning signs. Having any one sign is an indicator of possible trouble; having any two signs is an indicator that trouble is very likely, and three or more signs indicates that trouble has arrived…

1. From Whining to belligerence: The normal tendency to question and complain (usually in the form of a good healthy whine, like "that's not fairrrrrrr!!!") becomes more belligerent or disrespectful ("…what do you know…!")

2. Consistently slipping grades and an unwillingness to do school work

3. A change in friends (for the worse…) and/or their possessions (having things they couldn't afford to own with the money they have)

4. Excessive secrecy: Becoming adamantly non-communicative about everything (happy teens will need to share some things…in spite of themselves!)

5. Significant loss of interest in any activities outside of time with their "friends"

6. Excessive reclusiveness: This is a change from the normal need for more private time/personal space, to an adamant insistence on being "left alone" most of the time

7. Loss of weight or appetite: Can indicate depression and/or drug use, which besides being a major problem in themselves, can also be precursors to criminal activity

This behavior also means there's a developing break-down in the parent/child relationship, either as the root cause or a spin-off from it. Either way, it's up to the parents to get things back on track. Here's the most prevalent causes for child/parent relationship deterioration:

1. The parents are losing control, and that makes any child feel unsafe: Children of any age need to feel that the adults in their lives are capable and unafraid - setting limits and sticking to them, saying no and following through on it, establishing structure and discipline. These things may seem like anathema to a teen, but don't buy all the fuss - deep down this makes them feel safe.

2. The parents are losing their teen's respect: And respect is a huge issue at this age. If they feel their parents are not in control, or afraid/unwilling to do the hard stuff of parenting, parental credibility diminishes and with it, children's good behavior

3. The parents are losing their teen's trust: When teens experience pressures that they don't know how to handle, they need to feel they can come to their parents for help - if they don't trust that their parents can effectively handle the problem or help them find a solution to it (e.g. they feel their parents will get hysterical or ultra punitive; they're afraid their parents will lose respect for them; they know the parents will be determined to "fix it for them" rather than help them to work it out themselves), they'll look for solutions in all the wrong places.

Finally, here are some 'do's and don'ts' designed to help parents pre-empt a teen melt-down:

Do: Stay keenly aware of everything your teen is doing, from what they do on the internet to what's in their room and precisely who their friends are

Do: Learn how to use the latest gizmos and communication methods you've allowed your teen to use (or s/he can use at someone else's home…). In the well publicized story about the young man engaging in internet pornography, some parents interviewed afterward said they don't know much about the computer so how can they keep tabs on their teen's internet behavior? You learn, that's how; there's plenty of inexpensive computer classes. It's no different than guiding and guarding your teen's driving behavior - not possible if you don't know how to do it yourself….

Don't: Assume that just because you're teen is going to "the best schools" there is no high-risk behavior going on to which s/he is vulnerable or exposed. There is, s/he is, so keep that in the conversation with your teen

Don't: Buy into the myth that refusing to allow your teen to have a computer in his/her room, or even phone or TV for that matter, is being either "old fashioned" or unreasonably strict. Keeping as much as possible in family-shared areas keeps your teen from excessive isolating (beyond what is developmentally appropriate), while allowing you more opportunities to stay abreast of the goings-on in his/her life without being overly intrusive.