After reading about another drug being pulled off the shelves because of deadly side effects, I have decided to stop taking any medication at all, and that includes aspirin.

I actually stopped taking aspirin when I was a child. My grandmother heard from her bridge club that if boys take aspirin, "it" fall off. I wasn't sure what "it" she was talking about, but I was fairly certain I didn't want "it" to fall off.

That was not the only pearl of medical wisdom that my grandmother would gave me. She was also fond of telling people, me in particular, that if you ate too many Tic-Tacs you would get a headache. It was not like my grandmother to lie to me, but I decided that I wanted to find out for myself.

I discovered that it was not the eating of the Tic-Tacs that caused the headache, but the annoying sound the mints made when you tried to shake them out of the plastic box. So there I was with a major sugar buzz and a brain splitting headache and I couldn't take an aspirin because my "it" would fall off.

There are several aspirin alternatives on the market, but I have also sworn myself off of those. This was not an easy decision to make, because as a humorist, I am plagued with headaches on a daily basis.

It is not the looming deadlines or the stress of being funny that causes these headaches either. The number one cause of humorists' headaches is editors.

Publishers as a whole are smart groups of people. They are, however, lacking in the match making department.

When I first signed my book deal, I was blessed with Don. Don is my editor. Don was born a Republican. As a person, Don lacks any sense of humor. He is fond of beige suits, beige ties, beige cars and has a beige wife and 2.5 beige kids. My first two days with Don as my editor, I logged twenty-seven headaches. After the first month, I kept my headache pills in a candy dish on my desk and ate them by the handful.

By the time my first book was completed and edited, I noticed some strange things happening to my body.

For one, I had an uncontrollable urge to chew on my hand, this made typing rather difficult. I also felt a strong desire to watch Jack Palance movies.

I decided that I needed to check the medicine bottles for possible side effects. I shook in fear as I read the warnings on the back of the extra strength pain reliever, which went as follows:

"Possible Side Effects: May cause headaches and body pain. Dry mouth, upper lip stiffness and excessive toenail growth can occur in people between the ages of 6 months and 99 years. If you are female, 85 years of age and think you may be pregnant, do not take this product. This product contains chemicals, known to the nation of Paraguay that can cause mental disease or political ambition or both. If you smoke crack cocaine, consult your local police department before taking this product. Do not exceed the recommended dosage for more than three years. If symptoms persist, continue taking this product. If symptoms desist, continue taking this product. If your "it" falls off, contact your grandmother immediately. In the event that you feel like you are dying, stay calm until your eyes start to bleed, then stop reading this bottle and get to a hospital. If you die while taking this product, simply return the unused portion for a complete refund minus shipping and handling costs."

So, as of yesterday I am completely off of medicine, but it is not without its problems. Now if you will excuse me, I have a headache, a box of Tic-Tacs, Don on line 1 and my grandmother on line 2.