The Ten Commandments for Attending Church
As shocking as it may seem, the biggest obstacle standing between God and my wife and I are our children. They view mandatory church attendance the same way an accountant views the tax code - there has to be a loophole somewhere.
Growing weary of their jailhouse arguments every Sunday, I introduced a behavior modification program built upon ten simple rules that came to me during a vision in which God said, "Write this down and then get thee to Kinkos." We call it the Ten Commandments for Getting Through Church in One Piece. Here it is in its entirety.
I. Thou shalt not feign death when awakened for church.
II. Watching the 700 Club does not "count".
III. God does not take the summer off and neither shall thou.
IV. Do not ask for whom the bell tolls for it tolls for thee if thou makest us late.
V. Thou shalt sit in one geographical area without constantly switching with thine brother or sister.
VI. Woe is the child who standeth on the kneeler when thy parent attempts to lift it up.
VII. Thou shalt suffer in silence when not chosen to place the envelope in the offertory basket.
VIII. Thou shalt not crush into powder the Cheerios spilt upon the floor by thine little brother or sister.
IX. Thou shalt not exclaim loudly, "I can't understand a word he's saying," during a priest's homily.
X. Thou will receive thy final reward in the form of Boston crème donuts if thou abideth by these commandments.
My wife and I read the commandments out loud to our children this past week and waited for a reaction that never came. They said they didn't want to comment until they had a chance to go over everything with their lawyer.
Related Tags: children, family, spirituality, religion, god, church
John Hartnett is the owner of Early Bird Publishing, a manufacturer of all occasion humorous greeting cards (www.earlybirdpublishing.com). He is also the author of Now What?, an online blog at www.johnhartnett.blogspot.com
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