Dr's and psychologists have researched grief and its cycle over time in relation to death and loss.  A divorce, especially if you have been married for a long time is no different in that you need time to grieve your loss.  In addition, Divorce often brings with it a sense of failure and conflicting emotions of love and perhaps hate.  There are five stages to the recovery process:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

During the denial phase, people often convince themselves that it is not really over, that miraculously everything will work out.  Another form of denial is denying that you feel any grief.  If early on in the divorce, you find yourself saying to people that you are over it then you may be setting yourself up for depression.
Next comes the anger - there may be other factors helping to fuel this.  Infidelity, abandonment, being left with the responsibilty of perhaps the home, the children or feeling like you have been cut out of your families lives all help fuel anger.
When the anger starts to fade, often people find themselves bargaining with their ex, as if by settling something the pain will go away.
Depression, more than often still tinged with anger is a feeling of deep sadness. At this stage the severly affected often seek help before settling into the acceptance stage.  At this time, it is time to pick up the pieces and rebuild your new life.

There are often times when the cycles intermingle and overlap or even seem absent.  It is unusual though for any one phase to be missed completely.  There are some things though that can help on that road to recovery and help you to get back "on the scene".

Take Control
The first thing to do is try to take control of your life, of your finances and to see yourself as an independent being.  There is little point in moping around feeling sorry for yourself or going out and drinking every night.  It is time to stand up and start living the life you want to continue living.

Do things to make you happy - instead of feeling sorry for yourself and coming home every night to a microwave dinner.  Start to do things to make yourself happy.  Go for walks, buy yourself treats, start online dating and chatting to other people who are single, just like you.  Groups online often can help you to meet other singles with similar interests without it becoming so much like a "date".

Learn who you are and to be yourself - Often during a marriage, you mould yourself and your partner into someone who makes the other happy or at least that they can live with.  Its time to let this go and start to think about what you like, what are your preferences and what you like to do.  You may be surprised with the person you find inside yourself!  Then you can go out or get online and meet others with the same take on life as you - before you know it you will be happier than you were before.  All it takes is for you to make it happen.

Let the past go - Dont dwell on the past, what went wrong and what went right.  That is what it is - the past.  Try to look back on the good times with fondness and forget the bad ever happened.  You may think that is impossible but with effort you will find that it isnt and you can start enjoying your life.

Be an initiator - don't wait for others to invite you along for the ride - dive in and make things happen.  join social groups, setup your own online groups and invite people to join in the fun.

Dont become a stalker - many people feel that when they get divorced, they still have the right to contact their partner every day and to know what and when they are doing things.  This is not acceptable.  What your ex does and who they see is no longer your concern.  Accept it and move on. If you continue to contact your partner and to try to discuss what has happened continually, even if they ask you not to then you are stalking them.  This is not allowed by law and is not a good place for you to be at emotionally.  Try to meet new friends, online dating allows you to contact like minded folk day or night and so may be the answer for those sleepless nights.

Dont talk about it too much - When you start meeting friends online, you may go through a phase of talking about your ex, your divorce and your feelings.  This is fine and online dating and chat rooms allow you to do this - this could be better than paying a therapist!  Long term though your aim has to be to move forward.  When this time comes then try to avoid talking about your past and talk just about the now.  Noone wants to listen to someone going on and on about a significant other.

Let yourself grieve - there is a time for the grieving and it is important that you allow this healing process to take place.  Just don't let it take over.

Trust and don't let your new friends pay for the sins of your ex - Now you are back in the land of the living and hopefully online dating lots of local singles, remember not to let this past divorce spoil things for you in your future.  For instance if your ex cheated, there is nothing to say that your new friends will do similarly.  Trust, be open and honest and things can only get better!

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