A. Hi, Jim, thanks for confiding in me. You sound exactly like where I was 10 years ago. Working every hour that God sent, for very little money, very unhappy and feeling as though I was going backwards instead of forwards.

Then my marriage fell apart because someone somewhere was trying to tell me something and I had refused to listen. I was stuck on this treadmill of deadlines, on and on, being too scared to give up, yet even more scared to carry on in the same vein, while debts were piling and even less money was coming in. Then one day, without warning, I suddenly couldn't go on any more and my marriage went with it too. That was over 6 years ago. Since then, I have never felt better. I had to go backwards for a while in order to go forward, but my confidence is now at is peak, I feel as though the sky is my limit, I have time to smell the roses and, above all, I feel human again instead of a robot. I have less money but I am far less stressed too and feeling great to be alive.

Often, Jim, we forget that we are not here on earth to work, but actually to be HAPPY, to live and be creative to enjoy that living. If you are working so hard, no wonder you are so unhappy. Where is your life? Where is the appreciation of that life?

Reasons for Current Actions
What you are doing stems from one, or all, of 6 main things:
1. A desire for perfection.
2. A lack of positive reinforcement from those we love, so we just keep on trying to please without much gratitude.
3. Lack of confidence in ourself.
4. Fear of change.
5. Insecurity in our skills and capabilities.
6. Inability to make DECISIONS because of fear of the consequences.

Which ones apply to you, Jim? And how could you change them for the better?

In fact, why not re-number the list in your priority order, starting from which ones apply to you the MOST. That will tell you what you need to focus on immediately to change both the approach to your life and what is happening in it. I cannot help by advising you, as I really don't know your situation fully, but I can give some suggestions.

People often take their life for granted but the only time we are guaranteed is TODAY. If we don't make the most of it, we won't have another day like it, so time to make some changes in your life. Only you know what they need to be. If you are not sure, look at your HABITS - the way you do things. That is the way to see your future because the habits you have now will continue to give you the same results forever and ever if you do not change them.

Resisting Change
If your life isn't working the way you wish, and you keep banging your head against a brick wall, it means you are resisting change by living in denial in order to keep in your little comfort zone. But when we fight against change we lose our confidence because everything becomes more difficult. Moreover, life just flashes by us, leaving us stranded along the way, and feeling even more lost and vulnerable.

The simple solution for sorting out your life, even before you answer the personal questions I gave you, is to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. No matter what it is, no matter how big or small. CHANGE YOUR RESULT so that you can have something to start feeling good about again. Often people get inro a rut simply through developing habits which should have been ditched or replaced ages ago. Just like people using paper lists when they should be using computers! However, you have taken the first step by coming to me. That is a subconscious acknowledgement that something HAS to change in your life. You just need to keep searching for those answers which are relevant to your situation.

As to your wife and not telling her, that is your decision. But marriage is a partnership and when partners get surprises they don't expect, that's the time they normally want out because they can't cope with the truth and they are likely to distrust you from then on. However, if they are allowed to share that problem, they might have solutions you haven't even thought about. Often it is our ego which gets in the way of asking for help, and a fear of the consequences. Yet, we have to fully face whatever life throws at us, especially with the support of our partners, because that's how we become stronger, more knowledgeable, even more determined and draw closer together.

Hang in there, Jim. Things will improve if you face your fears, change your approach and begin to look at all the possible solutions.