I recently read an old BBC News story about a man who attempted to make a no win, no fee claim against a London council for embarrassment and distress' after soiling his white trousers as he desperately attempted to find an open public toilet.

The piece got me thinking about embarrassing and compromising situations I've found myself in for which I'd like to be able to make no win, no fee claims for, as well as the no win, no fee claims I'd like to make for the simple but cruel misfortunes of the genetic lottery.

After ruefully ruminating on this for a while I've whittled down my no win, no fee claim grievances to a top three. I'm not under any illusions though, I've no doubt it's highly unlikely that any personal injury solicitor in the UK or anywhere else will be willing to fight my compensation claims.

No win, no fee claim no.3
I'd like to be a more impressive physical specimen. Ok there are obvious vanity issues, yes, and while I'd like to be irresistibly attractive to the fairer gender, that is not the main thing.

Primarily, what I'd like is to be blessed with supreme athletic gifts comparable to those of say a Pele or a Michael Jordan. Ideally, I'd use those to be a professional footballer, winning individual awards and team trophies from the ages of 17 to 23 before switching to the professional tennis circuit where I'd win a record number of Grand Slams then retire at the age of 35.

I think that when you factor in the lost earnings and the pain of not being at the pinnacle of my chosen sports, my no win, no fee compensation claim must be worth at least £20million.

No win, no fee claim no.2
I'd like to have been born to reign over my own private kingdom. It's not that I particularly want to rule over anyone, though I wouldn't mind ordering a few summary executions, it's more that I'd like to have the land and the power and the property, oh, and the glory.

I've no doubt I'd be a kind and benevolent ruler. In fact, people often comment on the near regal way I carry myself, so it is only an accident of nature that right now I'm not King John III and that a certain Elizabeth Windsor isn't running home dog-tired to catch the latest episode of Hollyoaks after a hard day's work being sprayed by hot oil at her local chippie.

This one is troubling me. Who do I make this no win, no fee claim for personal injury compensation against? Is the Queen liable? If you're reading this Lizzie, contact me, I'm sure there's been some mistake.

Anyway, I value this no win, no fee claim at roughly £3billion.

No win, no fee claim no.1
I want to be Superman I feel that this compensation claim actually has a pretty good chance of success compared to the first two. Surely there is some no win, no fee solicitor out there in small town USA, looking for his big break who would take my case on.

Ever since I was a small child and watched the Superman film franchise, starring the late great Christopher Reeve, I have wanted to fly through the firmament averting apocalypse after apocalypse.

I hold the producers of these films directly responsible for placing in me this unattainable desire. As a result my heart has been a desperate hub of unfulfilled longing. This has greatly reduce my capacity to enjoy life and it is only because I don't (quite) have a subnormal IQ that I haven't yet jumped off a building in the misguided belief I can fly.

For this no win, no fee claim for compensation I will accept a smaller settlement than for each of the other two. So why don't you and I settle this out of court, Warner Bros. I'll be happy with just a couple of million pounds for this one.

In conclusion
Getting back to the initial focus of this article - embarrassing no win, no fee claims such as the one made by the man who soiled his immaculate white trousers I would have made a list of embarrassing situations that, given the opportunity, I'd like to make no win, no fee claims for, only they are too numerous to list.

So I'll mention just a few, such as the time I split my shorts and pants in two while keeping goal in front of my whole high-school, or the time I walked into a wake failing to notice everyone was dressed in black and said Whose wedding is it?', or the time I got caught glutting myself on a meat pie after I'd spent three months elaborately pretending to my vegetarian girlfriend that I was also a vegetarian.

The list would just go on and on. I would love to contact a personal injury solicitors to make no win, no fee claims for them all. But I guess that if I could, we really would be living in a compensation claim culture', wouldn't we?

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